Looking for that Room

This is the busiest I've ever been in my entire life.  I play in the following groups/variations:

John Schmitt (solo, original music)
John Schmitt (solo, cover songs)
John Schmitt duo (w/ percussion, either Ryan Vaughn, Craig Meyer, or Andy Mac; cover songs)
John Schmitt trio (w/bass and full drums [rotating group of musicians]; cover songs)
The Foggy Dudes (duo/trio with Brandon Warren and sometimes Scott Tofte; Celtic Folk/Rock)
The Bay Ridge All-Stars (6-piece Motown/Party Band; cover songs)

I play regular gigs each month at the following places:

Prohibition (upper west side)
Caffe Vivaldi (village)
Wicked Willy's (village)
Slane Pub (village)
The Red Lion (village)
PJ Harper's (Valley Stream, Long Island)
Pipin's Pub (Bay Ridge, Brooklyn)
The Back Fence (village)
The Snooty Pig (Corning, NY)

These monthly shows are in addition to any original music shows I might have at a variety of local venues in New York and upstate or in Philadelphia.

On top of all that, I work 40 hours a week at a cancer hospital, from 9-5pm everyday.  I am in charge of Workers' Compensation for the hospital, and I have a variety of other responsibilities.

I am several thousand dollars in debt, and everything I earn goes towards bills or towards paying for my album.  I have no savings or cash-in-hand.

My bass player of over 6 years, with whom I have always played here in New York, has just quit my band.  He never seemed that into my music to begin with, but he did play on my record that will be out soon.  I must now teach all my songs to someone new.  I no longer have the luxury of having my "own" bass player for an original gig, and will rely on the very capable, yet very busy, bass players in the "scene" here in New York.

When I think of the debt, the 3-hour-a-clip shows that I have to play, and the thought of not only releasing this album, and having the money to do it, but also promoting, mailing, and touring, my head hurts.  Add in teaching someone new my songs who I can rely on, promoting and trying to grow and cultivate a NYC audience, and my current quest to lose a mountain of my own weight, and I'm reeling. 

Oh, please don't forget things like my 40-hour a week day job.  And things that are really, really important to me like my family, and my close friends.  You know, the stuff that does matter.

This is a giant pity party, yes, but for once I'm putting everything down that's going on.  And I haven't even mentioned my search for a woman to share my life with.  Is there really even room for that?

I'm not asking for anyone's pity though.  The point I'm trying to make is that in my darkest hour, in my most confused moment, in the space between what I want and what I need, I will be okay.  I will sing. 

In my confusion and crumbling confidence in my own ability to sing and write music, I turn the TV off that is my brain: two sides quabbling back and forth like a news channel, and I sing.  Something familiar.  Something I know will sound right.

I'm struggling, and I really mean that.  It's a struggle.  With my diet completely under control though, it's gotten a bit easier.  But money....sigh....it's just the worst.  If I had $7,000, I would be mailing you all an album in 3 weeks.  If I had that, I'd begin the massive embarking on my music career, and not look back. 

Instead, it's $300 here, and $500 there.  It's traveling 5 hours each way to make $80 after paying for gas and tolls, and then going to work the next day.  It's relying on less and less sleep, not because you just can't sleep, but that the mental constructions you've made tell you that you are wasting valuable time by trying to get a good 8 hours in.  It's feeling anxious and guilty when sleeping in past 8am or 9am, and then not feeling motivated to do work.  It's never feeling that I can have what I want, yet I still pursue it.  It's feeling like a fool when I don't get it.  It's maintaining relationships, appearances, and delving into a scene where everyone else gets to sleep in after a really late night.  Or sleep at least until 8 or 9am.  And you're halfway to work or working by then.  It's knowing that in a room full of complete strangers, I could move them, could compel them to think, make them laugh, and warm them to me through my singing, playing, and writing.  But it's constantly looking for that room, and then constantly thinking it doesn't exist.  And fighting between those two sides of me, who are bitterly opposed to one another.

I don't want your pity, and understand that my life does not suck.  I do and see things that almost no one else has done or seen, and I could never be accused of wasting my life away.  I'm getting after it.  I have goals in mind.  It's a total grind though.  It's a struggle to believe, and to keep going. 

So, tonight is a show with the Bay Ridge All-Stars, tomorrow with the Foggy Dudes, and Sunday it's John Schmitt solo (covers).  That's my weekend, beautiful because I can play music, but also unrelenting.  And work awaits me Monday morning, as she always does.  Hope you get to relax, at least!