So I thought I was getting in trouble today at work. I learned of it on Saturday night, after I was out all morning, afternoon, and evening with my mother and my sister, showing them around Manhattan. One email, and the next few days are thrown into turmoil.
I am very good at my job. I handle the pressure well, the deadlines, projects, customer service, and I work well with my team. I take it very seriously, and understand what our patients go through. I have seen the faces of people who have died from cancer, perfect strangers I've met once or twice, only to get a call a few weeks later from the concerned daughter I also met, saying that mom finally couldn't fight anymore. I have heard someone say to me, "I know I'm dying, please help me." These are things I face everyday, and while I don't look for sympathy from others who may work in different arenas, it is a heavy nametag to wear everyday, but one that is very worthwhile for me. And the hardest thing to do here is face the music when there are errors that could affect patients.
Thank God nothing I did or anyone here adversely affected a patient's treatment, but needless to say, I've been walking around on pins and needles awaiting impending doom from a supervisor or the doctor I work for. I could not eat or sleep.
I hate feeling like my livelihood is threatened, so nervous that the only thing that helps is praying the rosary. I must have prayed it three times this morning, with each time it helping less and less. I feel bad for reaching out to God only when I need something; I had wished to avoid that in these past few months. I worked so hard in Lent to figure out who I am, and how it fits in with who God is, and what He asks of me. I can't just forget that those months happened.
But, with one conversation with an understanding mind, I am at peace again. We addressed the problem, took note of the way it may have gotten to this point, and made proper steps to ensure it never happens again. My doctor was understanding, genuine, and direct. I could not have asked for anything more.
My mom and Lynn visited this weekend, and I really miss them now that they've gone home. We went to Battery Park, WTC, TriBeCa, Canal St. Little Italy, Times Square, Rockafeller Center, St. Pat's, F.A.O. Schwartz, Cabanna, and Central Park, and more. Twelve hours of straight walking, must have been 10 miles or so. It ended with my mom and I sitting on a bench in the park, watching the Swans float just above the water as the sun set in our view looking west, as Lynn and her friend were returning from a walk. I usually don't do this sort of thing, but I had to take a picture with all of us there, it was a special moment.
So through all the angst and worry, I now feel exhausted. My heart and body function almost too well at a hightened state of alert, and once that subsides, I crash hard. I crave a home-cooked meal today, followed by a night playing music in my room, singing till my lungs ache. Singing all the songs that make me happy to be alive. To play music out of love.
"When two souls meet in the city / half of the world forgets we're all still spinning 'round" An occasion, indeed.
April 30, 2007
April 26, 2007
Bowery Poetry tonight, shopping, mom tomorrow
I'm meeting someone tonight to see a reading at Bowery Poetry. It's going to be amazing, and I'm excited to experience something new and real again.
Lots to do before then, shopping, shopping. Buying bedding, towels, food, kitchenware, and so on. Time to stock up before the fam arrive.
My mother arrives tomorrow, with my sister Lynn, her friend, and possibly Elicia. They're here for the weekend, and I am very excited to show them around the city, and take them to see everything they want to see. I hope the weather holds out for them.
Quick one. Hope all is well with you.
Lots to do before then, shopping, shopping. Buying bedding, towels, food, kitchenware, and so on. Time to stock up before the fam arrive.
My mother arrives tomorrow, with my sister Lynn, her friend, and possibly Elicia. They're here for the weekend, and I am very excited to show them around the city, and take them to see everything they want to see. I hope the weather holds out for them.
Quick one. Hope all is well with you.
April 24, 2007
Don Imus, now who?
I've been listening alot to the Don Imus contraversy, hearing both sides, and I think I've arrived at the point where I can comment.
Mr. Imus said something that was really insensitive towards the Rutger's women's basketball team. His remarks were hurtful, inappropriate, and at best, in bad taste. What started as a small little blip on the "who said what?" stories in the news, rapidly became front page news, and even made the cover of Time Magazine. Mr. Imus appeared on Rev. Al Sharpton's radio show, met with Rev. Jesse Jackson, and appeared on countless other TV shows and radio programs, apologizing and discussing the issues here. He also finally met with the Rutger's team, and spoke to them about what was said.
Mr. Imus has been preaching "context" as the reason he should not be fired. He, and others like Sean Hannity and Opie and Anthony, have said that within the context of a comedy show, like Imus', remarks such as his are acceptable, protected, and allowable in this country. Mr. Imus also has repeatedly said he is a "good person, who said something stupid," and pointed to his charity work, spanning over 18 years, which has raised over 100 million dollars for victims of childhood cancer and blood diseases. He has been supported by few in the public arena, most notably Sen. John McCain of Arizona, Opie and Anthony, etc. These people have said that "unpopular speech must be defended," and believe Mr. Imus' remarks fall under this notion.
Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson took the reigns on calling for Mr. Imus' dismissal. They said they were out to rid the airwaves of racist and sexist material, and that they were defending all people, not just African Americans. They lobbied advertisers to pull their funding for Mr. Imus' show, and ultimately were joined by the likes of Whoopi Goldberg, Barrack Obama, and Hillary Clinton, and many others. First, Mr. Imus was dropped from MSNBC, who simulcasted his show, but then CBS radio decided to fire him as well.
There is so much to say about this, now that I have laid out what happened. First of all, I'm no constitution expert, and I do not know the Bill of Rights. But I do know that you have a right to say something bad about me, just as much as I have a right to disagree, vocally, if I choose. Mr. Imus comments, though they were in horrible taste, hurtful, and demeaning, HAVE to be protected by the First Amendment. Notice that the FCC, who is the govermental watchdog for the radio, has NOT issued a fine to Imus or CBS. This is because the comments by Mr. Imus were not illegal. Plain and simple. Mr. Imus can say whatever he wants on the air, short of inciting panic or being sexually explicit. He can insult whomever he wants whenever he wants, so long as it does not cross this line. The FCC does not enforce comments that are thought to be racist, because in our country, you can be racist, you can hate someone else and express it, or you can parody someone else.
Now, having said that, Mr. Imus took a shot at a group of women that are not public figures. In the past, he has gone to work on politicians like Hillary Clinton, President Bush, and many others. He is oftentimes brutal, saying terrible things in discussion with his sidekick. But, he took a shot at the Rutgers team that has no agenda, is not in the public or fighting for publicity, and for this, he was wrong. I heard it once, and I immediately thought of how wrong his words were.
However, Mr. Imus should only have to apologize and learn from this. He should not have had his livelihood taken away. Mr. Imus spent about 10 hours on camera or the radio in a span of 3 days apologizing, discussing, and defending not his content, but his right to say what he said. He talked about opening a dialogue on his show, once his 2 week suspension was finished, to have an African-American voice on his program, and even more so, to discussing the reasons why this has caused such a rift in our culture. He was ultimately still fired.
Revs. Sharpton and Jackson are at the helm of all this. They have both had scetchy pasts, with numerous instances of saying hurtful and racist comments. I do not have the time to go into their records on this, but I will say that they have said hurtful things in the past about other races, including Jews, caucasians, and so on. They have also done some wonderful things for the black community, with their advocacy and persistence helping thousands of people.
But, this was a witch hunt by Revs. Sharpton and Jackson. On a logical level, Mr. Imus' speech must be protected, and you cannot pierce that argument. Al Sharpton is not my moral compass, nor is he yours, I'm sure. And even if he is, he cannot go around like the "Speech Police" and tell me or others what should or should not be on the radio. Moreover, if Mr. Sharpton wanted to clean up offensive material on the airwaves, he had better begin to go after the rap music establishment as well. He has not had as much outrage at Snoop Dog, 50 Cent, or any other rapper who routinely refer to woman in derrogatory ways as part of the industry-standard lexicon for rappers. You would think, especially considering its mass appeal and exposure, that such an artform would be subject to the same scutiny as Mr. Don Imus' remarks. Clearly, however, it is not, at least from Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.
Now, I will say this, and please be very clear and read this carefully. I support rap artists (they ARE indeed artists) saying whatever they want as a means to express themselves on their own medium. I do not WANT Snoop censored. I do not WANT 50 cent to be without a job or label or new single. Along those lines, I do not want Mr. Imus off the air. He must be protected like any of those I have already mentioned, and he cannot and should not have his livelihood taken away simply to be made an example of.
Rights in the country are on a slippery slope, and once we take away someone's right to free speech, the invasion of privacy, information, and whatever else could happen, can happen very quickly. We need to be clear and concise that although remarks may be hurtful, they must be protected by the law, and those who made the remarks, accountable they must be, should also make the proper steps to make right to those they have offended, apologize, and learn. Or at least hear the offended out.
Love to hear your comments.
Mr. Imus said something that was really insensitive towards the Rutger's women's basketball team. His remarks were hurtful, inappropriate, and at best, in bad taste. What started as a small little blip on the "who said what?" stories in the news, rapidly became front page news, and even made the cover of Time Magazine. Mr. Imus appeared on Rev. Al Sharpton's radio show, met with Rev. Jesse Jackson, and appeared on countless other TV shows and radio programs, apologizing and discussing the issues here. He also finally met with the Rutger's team, and spoke to them about what was said.
Mr. Imus has been preaching "context" as the reason he should not be fired. He, and others like Sean Hannity and Opie and Anthony, have said that within the context of a comedy show, like Imus', remarks such as his are acceptable, protected, and allowable in this country. Mr. Imus also has repeatedly said he is a "good person, who said something stupid," and pointed to his charity work, spanning over 18 years, which has raised over 100 million dollars for victims of childhood cancer and blood diseases. He has been supported by few in the public arena, most notably Sen. John McCain of Arizona, Opie and Anthony, etc. These people have said that "unpopular speech must be defended," and believe Mr. Imus' remarks fall under this notion.
Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson took the reigns on calling for Mr. Imus' dismissal. They said they were out to rid the airwaves of racist and sexist material, and that they were defending all people, not just African Americans. They lobbied advertisers to pull their funding for Mr. Imus' show, and ultimately were joined by the likes of Whoopi Goldberg, Barrack Obama, and Hillary Clinton, and many others. First, Mr. Imus was dropped from MSNBC, who simulcasted his show, but then CBS radio decided to fire him as well.
There is so much to say about this, now that I have laid out what happened. First of all, I'm no constitution expert, and I do not know the Bill of Rights. But I do know that you have a right to say something bad about me, just as much as I have a right to disagree, vocally, if I choose. Mr. Imus comments, though they were in horrible taste, hurtful, and demeaning, HAVE to be protected by the First Amendment. Notice that the FCC, who is the govermental watchdog for the radio, has NOT issued a fine to Imus or CBS. This is because the comments by Mr. Imus were not illegal. Plain and simple. Mr. Imus can say whatever he wants on the air, short of inciting panic or being sexually explicit. He can insult whomever he wants whenever he wants, so long as it does not cross this line. The FCC does not enforce comments that are thought to be racist, because in our country, you can be racist, you can hate someone else and express it, or you can parody someone else.
Now, having said that, Mr. Imus took a shot at a group of women that are not public figures. In the past, he has gone to work on politicians like Hillary Clinton, President Bush, and many others. He is oftentimes brutal, saying terrible things in discussion with his sidekick. But, he took a shot at the Rutgers team that has no agenda, is not in the public or fighting for publicity, and for this, he was wrong. I heard it once, and I immediately thought of how wrong his words were.
However, Mr. Imus should only have to apologize and learn from this. He should not have had his livelihood taken away. Mr. Imus spent about 10 hours on camera or the radio in a span of 3 days apologizing, discussing, and defending not his content, but his right to say what he said. He talked about opening a dialogue on his show, once his 2 week suspension was finished, to have an African-American voice on his program, and even more so, to discussing the reasons why this has caused such a rift in our culture. He was ultimately still fired.
Revs. Sharpton and Jackson are at the helm of all this. They have both had scetchy pasts, with numerous instances of saying hurtful and racist comments. I do not have the time to go into their records on this, but I will say that they have said hurtful things in the past about other races, including Jews, caucasians, and so on. They have also done some wonderful things for the black community, with their advocacy and persistence helping thousands of people.
But, this was a witch hunt by Revs. Sharpton and Jackson. On a logical level, Mr. Imus' speech must be protected, and you cannot pierce that argument. Al Sharpton is not my moral compass, nor is he yours, I'm sure. And even if he is, he cannot go around like the "Speech Police" and tell me or others what should or should not be on the radio. Moreover, if Mr. Sharpton wanted to clean up offensive material on the airwaves, he had better begin to go after the rap music establishment as well. He has not had as much outrage at Snoop Dog, 50 Cent, or any other rapper who routinely refer to woman in derrogatory ways as part of the industry-standard lexicon for rappers. You would think, especially considering its mass appeal and exposure, that such an artform would be subject to the same scutiny as Mr. Don Imus' remarks. Clearly, however, it is not, at least from Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.
Now, I will say this, and please be very clear and read this carefully. I support rap artists (they ARE indeed artists) saying whatever they want as a means to express themselves on their own medium. I do not WANT Snoop censored. I do not WANT 50 cent to be without a job or label or new single. Along those lines, I do not want Mr. Imus off the air. He must be protected like any of those I have already mentioned, and he cannot and should not have his livelihood taken away simply to be made an example of.
Rights in the country are on a slippery slope, and once we take away someone's right to free speech, the invasion of privacy, information, and whatever else could happen, can happen very quickly. We need to be clear and concise that although remarks may be hurtful, they must be protected by the law, and those who made the remarks, accountable they must be, should also make the proper steps to make right to those they have offended, apologize, and learn. Or at least hear the offended out.
Love to hear your comments.
April 22, 2007
[[Dot]]
Yes, George, run to your work.
Hide behind your painting.
I have come to tell you I am leaving because I thought you might
care to know-foolish of me, because you care about nothing-
[[George]]
I care about many things-
[[Dot]]
Things-not people.
[[George]]
People, too. I cannot divide my feelings up as neatly as you,
and I am not hiding behind my canvas-I am living in it.
[[Dot]]
What you care for is yourself.
[[George]]
I care for this painting. You will be in this painting.
[[Dot]]
I am something you can use.
[[George]]
I had thought you understood.
[[Dot]]
It's because I understand that I left,
That I am leaving.
[[George]]
Then there's nothing I can say,
Is there?
[[Dot]]
Yes. George, there is:
You could tell me not to go.
Say it to me.
Tell me not to go.
Tall me that you're hurt,
Tell me you're relieved,
Tell me that you're bored-
Anything, but don't assume I know.
Tell me what you feel!
[[George]]
What I feel?
You know exactly how I feel.
Why do you insist
You must hear the words,
When you know I cannot give you words?
Not the ones you need.
There's nothing to say.
I cannot be what you want.
[[Dot]]
What do you want, George?
[[George]]
I needed you and you left.
[[Dot]]
There was no room for me-
[[George]]
You will not accept who I am.
I am what I do-
Which you knew,
Which you always knew,
Which I thought you were a part of!
[[Dot]]
No,
You are complete, George,
You are your own.
We do not belong together.
You are complete, George,
You all alone.
I am unfinished,
I am diminished
With or without you.
We do not belong together,
And we should have belonged together.
What made it so right together
Is what made it all wrong.
No one is you, George.
There you agree,
But others will do, George.
No one is you and
No one can be,
But no one is me, George,
No one is me.
We do not belong together.
And we'll never belong-!
You have a mission,
A mission to see.
Now I have one too, George.
And we should have belonged together.
I have to move on.
Yes, George, run to your work.
Hide behind your painting.
I have come to tell you I am leaving because I thought you might
care to know-foolish of me, because you care about nothing-
[[George]]
I care about many things-
[[Dot]]
Things-not people.
[[George]]
People, too. I cannot divide my feelings up as neatly as you,
and I am not hiding behind my canvas-I am living in it.
[[Dot]]
What you care for is yourself.
[[George]]
I care for this painting. You will be in this painting.
[[Dot]]
I am something you can use.
[[George]]
I had thought you understood.
[[Dot]]
It's because I understand that I left,
That I am leaving.
[[George]]
Then there's nothing I can say,
Is there?
[[Dot]]
Yes. George, there is:
You could tell me not to go.
Say it to me.
Tell me not to go.
Tall me that you're hurt,
Tell me you're relieved,
Tell me that you're bored-
Anything, but don't assume I know.
Tell me what you feel!
[[George]]
What I feel?
You know exactly how I feel.
Why do you insist
You must hear the words,
When you know I cannot give you words?
Not the ones you need.
There's nothing to say.
I cannot be what you want.
[[Dot]]
What do you want, George?
[[George]]
I needed you and you left.
[[Dot]]
There was no room for me-
[[George]]
You will not accept who I am.
I am what I do-
Which you knew,
Which you always knew,
Which I thought you were a part of!
[[Dot]]
No,
You are complete, George,
You are your own.
We do not belong together.
You are complete, George,
You all alone.
I am unfinished,
I am diminished
With or without you.
We do not belong together,
And we should have belonged together.
What made it so right together
Is what made it all wrong.
No one is you, George.
There you agree,
But others will do, George.
No one is you and
No one can be,
But no one is me, George,
No one is me.
We do not belong together.
And we'll never belong-!
You have a mission,
A mission to see.
Now I have one too, George.
And we should have belonged together.
I have to move on.
-"Sunday in the Park with George" by Stephen Sondheim
April 20, 2007
Picture all the possibilities
Off to dirty Jerz tonight to play at Drew University. I'm excited, because I'm going to definitely play all my own music, in a more intimate way. If I do play a cover song, it will be Motown. It has to be. It's all I sing now. Signed, sealed, delivered.
Tomorrow, a triumphant return to Wicked Willy's, chock full of new drumsets, old bassplayers, and special guests to boot. Supposedly, beautiful weather, too, so that's fun. New songs to be debuted, good people and friends in attendance.
I craved a beer last night, for the first time in a really long time. Elliot and I stopped at Harrington's on 7th, between 31st and 32nd. Swithwicks bitter. Just like in the UK, at the soccer games. Extra carbonated, super cold, so flavorful. No head to contend with. Pint glass filled with tastes of hopps and caramel-like hints. Thirst-quenching at its finest. It was good to blow some money for a change on myself.
Life is very complex, and very interesting. 2 drummers + 2 keyboardists + soul = musical. check it out on http://www.myspace.com/johnschmitt
Tomorrow, a triumphant return to Wicked Willy's, chock full of new drumsets, old bassplayers, and special guests to boot. Supposedly, beautiful weather, too, so that's fun. New songs to be debuted, good people and friends in attendance.
I craved a beer last night, for the first time in a really long time. Elliot and I stopped at Harrington's on 7th, between 31st and 32nd. Swithwicks bitter. Just like in the UK, at the soccer games. Extra carbonated, super cold, so flavorful. No head to contend with. Pint glass filled with tastes of hopps and caramel-like hints. Thirst-quenching at its finest. It was good to blow some money for a change on myself.
Life is very complex, and very interesting. 2 drummers + 2 keyboardists + soul = musical. check it out on http://www.myspace.com/johnschmitt
April 19, 2007
For Once in my life
"For once in my life
I won't let sorrow hurt me
Not like it hurt me before
For once, I have something I know won't desert me
I'm not alone anymore
For once, I can say, this is mine, you can't take it
As long as I know I have love, I can make it
For once in my life, I have someone who needs me"
...and the sun comes out to Stevie Wonder. I suppose I'd want to come out to the world in something similar.
My beloved Buffalo Sabres are a game away from advancing to the next round. I will miss the game on Friday, as I will be playing in New Jersey, but I believe. They have been such a source of comfort and hope to me.
I am very happy. I am finding joy in my home, in my work, in my music, and in my spirit. Vin has become a wonderful friend, and makes even the most mundane evenings hilarious and interesting. I love asking him to pick a movie for me to see, to school me on something new. He always picks a good one.
Then there's my favorite pseudo raw-food eater/future wine seller (who hopefully finds that description funny), who has brought me calmness, clarity, and a closeness I have longed for for so long. Thank you.
I feel the need to explicitly be thankful for what I have, to shake a cloud of negativity that crowded around my life last night. I could not sleep, no prayer, discussion, or thought could shake it. I feel like at times I am everything to everyone, and I am turned to in times of turmoil. It's such a difficult position, and I am learning where I need to set my boundaries.
So this song I'm writing is coming along. I mention it because it is just going to be wonderful, I know it and believe it. Even more than that, I can feel it, and for those of you who may not understand what or how writing music is, it is felt, not created. Everything I write comes from my life, or some derivative of it. I believe being as specific as possible in my craft is the only way to convey a sense of reality and clarity to those I try to impress on. Music very much is this active beast that I must take every few weeks to speak to me about my own life. Music is a rabid muse that you have to catch and then let it run its course with you. I am only a machine with a filter on the end that Music uses to make its next batch of offspring. Almost like a pasta maker or meat grinder. I actively listen, but passively create, if that makes sense. So this song, I think, is one heaping pile of spaghetti, and I can't wait for you to taste.
Two shows this weekend, some house moving, and maybe a musical on Sunday afternoon, possibly Jazz club too. Until next time.
John
p.s. I think I'd want to come out to "Oh What a World" by Rufus Wainwright, if I were the sun.
I won't let sorrow hurt me
Not like it hurt me before
For once, I have something I know won't desert me
I'm not alone anymore
For once, I can say, this is mine, you can't take it
As long as I know I have love, I can make it
For once in my life, I have someone who needs me"
...and the sun comes out to Stevie Wonder. I suppose I'd want to come out to the world in something similar.
My beloved Buffalo Sabres are a game away from advancing to the next round. I will miss the game on Friday, as I will be playing in New Jersey, but I believe. They have been such a source of comfort and hope to me.
I am very happy. I am finding joy in my home, in my work, in my music, and in my spirit. Vin has become a wonderful friend, and makes even the most mundane evenings hilarious and interesting. I love asking him to pick a movie for me to see, to school me on something new. He always picks a good one.
Then there's my favorite pseudo raw-food eater/future wine seller (who hopefully finds that description funny), who has brought me calmness, clarity, and a closeness I have longed for for so long. Thank you.
I feel the need to explicitly be thankful for what I have, to shake a cloud of negativity that crowded around my life last night. I could not sleep, no prayer, discussion, or thought could shake it. I feel like at times I am everything to everyone, and I am turned to in times of turmoil. It's such a difficult position, and I am learning where I need to set my boundaries.
So this song I'm writing is coming along. I mention it because it is just going to be wonderful, I know it and believe it. Even more than that, I can feel it, and for those of you who may not understand what or how writing music is, it is felt, not created. Everything I write comes from my life, or some derivative of it. I believe being as specific as possible in my craft is the only way to convey a sense of reality and clarity to those I try to impress on. Music very much is this active beast that I must take every few weeks to speak to me about my own life. Music is a rabid muse that you have to catch and then let it run its course with you. I am only a machine with a filter on the end that Music uses to make its next batch of offspring. Almost like a pasta maker or meat grinder. I actively listen, but passively create, if that makes sense. So this song, I think, is one heaping pile of spaghetti, and I can't wait for you to taste.
Two shows this weekend, some house moving, and maybe a musical on Sunday afternoon, possibly Jazz club too. Until next time.
John
p.s. I think I'd want to come out to "Oh What a World" by Rufus Wainwright, if I were the sun.
April 16, 2007
Redemption Song
"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery
None but ourselves can free our minds
Have no fear of atomic energy
'Cuz none of them can stop the time
How long must they kill our prophets
While we stand aside and look
Some say it's just a part of it
You've got to fulfill the book
Won't you help to sing
These songs of freedom
'Cuz all I ever had
Redemption Song"
Monday. It's dreary outside. But I feel really good. I have lots to do this week, with hockey ever looming in my interest. Tonight Pat is coming over to rehearse some new music for our gig on Saturday. I'm excited to play these new songs, and a new original too.
Tuesday is nothing really, but we may have people over to the house.
Wednesday I'm making some extra money running sound for Wicked Willy's, my new favorite bar in the Village. If you're reading this, stop by and say hi, I'll be sitting around listening to the acoustic music all night.
Friday I'm playing at Drew University in New Jersey, a 2 hour set, and then driving back. Then the Sabres are playing game 5 that night.
Saturday I'll be at Wicked Willy's, with our very good friend and special guest, Ricky Valente.
I feel redeemed, in all that I've been feeling and thinking and saying and doing. I feel the "songs of freedom" that Mr. Marley sang about. I want those to be my songs, too. I'm excited to do as much singing this week as is needed. I feel better, on the whole, when I sing for hours and hours on end. My favorite thing to sing is the first line of "Ain't too Proud to Beg" by the Temptations...the "I KNOOOOOW you wanna leave me / but I refuse to let you go".
I know this blog is about nothing, really, but we all can't be Hemingway everyday. :) see you tomorrow.
None but ourselves can free our minds
Have no fear of atomic energy
'Cuz none of them can stop the time
How long must they kill our prophets
While we stand aside and look
Some say it's just a part of it
You've got to fulfill the book
Won't you help to sing
These songs of freedom
'Cuz all I ever had
Redemption Song"
Monday. It's dreary outside. But I feel really good. I have lots to do this week, with hockey ever looming in my interest. Tonight Pat is coming over to rehearse some new music for our gig on Saturday. I'm excited to play these new songs, and a new original too.
Tuesday is nothing really, but we may have people over to the house.
Wednesday I'm making some extra money running sound for Wicked Willy's, my new favorite bar in the Village. If you're reading this, stop by and say hi, I'll be sitting around listening to the acoustic music all night.
Friday I'm playing at Drew University in New Jersey, a 2 hour set, and then driving back. Then the Sabres are playing game 5 that night.
Saturday I'll be at Wicked Willy's, with our very good friend and special guest, Ricky Valente.
I feel redeemed, in all that I've been feeling and thinking and saying and doing. I feel the "songs of freedom" that Mr. Marley sang about. I want those to be my songs, too. I'm excited to do as much singing this week as is needed. I feel better, on the whole, when I sing for hours and hours on end. My favorite thing to sing is the first line of "Ain't too Proud to Beg" by the Temptations...the "I KNOOOOOW you wanna leave me / but I refuse to let you go".
I know this blog is about nothing, really, but we all can't be Hemingway everyday. :) see you tomorrow.
April 15, 2007
Sunday morning, rain is falling
Good morning. There's quite a storm outside today; it's prolly best to stay in today. I feel like I could sleep until June if I could.
These past few weeks have been so strange for me. They've been unforgettable, exciting, promising times. Yet, they have been a great struggle, a time of great uncertainty, and sometimes a time of pain and anxiety. I go from being so happy and content, and then one little thing happens, and I feel defeated. I go from being downtrodden and anxious, to feeling invincible and From my career, my friends, and everything else, things are weighing on me. I repeatedly feel tormented to act out of who I am, to lost patience with my life.
I don't like feeling like this. I don't like going from high to low and low to high so often. The problem is that I care too much. I have so much invested in the situations in my life, and I want nothing more but wonderful things to happen to me and the people I cohort with. I have faith in myself, and my ability to succeed, but sometimes it just isn't up to me, and I can respect that.
I am writing a song at the moment. When it is finished, it is going to mean so much to me and to those that I love. I can't stop singing the chorus.
I am thinking of giving up all alcohol except wine. And I am thinking of drinking wine on a "relaxation" basis. Meaning, I would drink wine once in a blue moon, as a way to relax and catch my breath from the day. I don't like the feeling of being drunk, but I do love wine. One thing is for sure, I am done doing things like shots or "super-shots" like Jager-bombs or car-bombs. I gave up alcohol for lent, and it worked out okay. I owe it to my body to treat alcohol with respect.
On a good note, I continue to lose weight. I do not eat in between meals now, drink water constantly, and eat until I am full, and no further. I have been going for walks, seeing greater Brooklyn and Manhattan, and I am excited for what the spring and summer will bring. Vin and I are going to start playing tennis, and that is an old past time of mine. I take control of when I go to bed, so I am not tired, and it has made me more productive at work and at home, and made my relationships with others better.
===============================================
I saw Great Big Sea last night, and at first, I didn't even want to go. It was a great night. I missed that kind of music, the Irish/Canadian folk, the music that tells so many stories. I felt like walking around and hugging everyone, as we all danced and sang every word.
So in this time of uncertainty, I turn towards myself, and refocus. I need to simplify my life, and stop worrying so much. I worry about my future, my faith, my friends, and my relationships. I am going to see if that concern is reciprocated.
Stay warm, and indoors today.
John Michael
These past few weeks have been so strange for me. They've been unforgettable, exciting, promising times. Yet, they have been a great struggle, a time of great uncertainty, and sometimes a time of pain and anxiety. I go from being so happy and content, and then one little thing happens, and I feel defeated. I go from being downtrodden and anxious, to feeling invincible and From my career, my friends, and everything else, things are weighing on me. I repeatedly feel tormented to act out of who I am, to lost patience with my life.
I don't like feeling like this. I don't like going from high to low and low to high so often. The problem is that I care too much. I have so much invested in the situations in my life, and I want nothing more but wonderful things to happen to me and the people I cohort with. I have faith in myself, and my ability to succeed, but sometimes it just isn't up to me, and I can respect that.
I am writing a song at the moment. When it is finished, it is going to mean so much to me and to those that I love. I can't stop singing the chorus.
I am thinking of giving up all alcohol except wine. And I am thinking of drinking wine on a "relaxation" basis. Meaning, I would drink wine once in a blue moon, as a way to relax and catch my breath from the day. I don't like the feeling of being drunk, but I do love wine. One thing is for sure, I am done doing things like shots or "super-shots" like Jager-bombs or car-bombs. I gave up alcohol for lent, and it worked out okay. I owe it to my body to treat alcohol with respect.
On a good note, I continue to lose weight. I do not eat in between meals now, drink water constantly, and eat until I am full, and no further. I have been going for walks, seeing greater Brooklyn and Manhattan, and I am excited for what the spring and summer will bring. Vin and I are going to start playing tennis, and that is an old past time of mine. I take control of when I go to bed, so I am not tired, and it has made me more productive at work and at home, and made my relationships with others better.
===============================================
I saw Great Big Sea last night, and at first, I didn't even want to go. It was a great night. I missed that kind of music, the Irish/Canadian folk, the music that tells so many stories. I felt like walking around and hugging everyone, as we all danced and sang every word.
So in this time of uncertainty, I turn towards myself, and refocus. I need to simplify my life, and stop worrying so much. I worry about my future, my faith, my friends, and my relationships. I am going to see if that concern is reciprocated.
Stay warm, and indoors today.
John Michael
April 13, 2007
Sunday in the Park with George
"And when the woman that you wanted goes
You can say to yourself 'well, I give what I give'
But the woman who won't wait for you knows
That however you live, there's a part of you
Always standing by
Mapping out a sky
Finishing a hat"
My absolute favorite piece of music, drama, maybe art. "Sunday in the Park with George" by Sondheim. Not really well known for him, but it's just perfect. It follows the pointillist painter, George Seurat, as he rises to fame, and also falls in love with Dot, a local girl he uses as a model to paint. Dot and George have a very rocky relationship, fiery with passion, but ultimately, George can never fully give to Dot what she asks of him. He is always "finishing the hat" in his paintings, always needing that extra minute or hour or moment. His work seems to control him, and it has terrible effects on his relationship with Dot. But there are moments when their love transcends all of that, and it is so real and raw and unbridled.
The music, oh the music is just incredible; puts you in a trance. I don't know how to describe it. The perfect blend of words, with melodies that make your head lose focus. I sway just thinking about it now. And the dialogue, gut-wrenching. Dot and George love each other, but George "is what he does", and it ultimately chases Dot away. Before he does, though, George immortalizes Dot in his most-famous painting ever, and one that is at the pinnacle of the pointillist movement, "Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte."
I feel for George. I see his passion for his work, and his need for love. I feel his sense of longing, knowing he could have the best thing possible for himself, his ever-loving and supportive Dot, and how he still cannot find a way to shake the forces making him stay up all night and paint. I sympathize with his solitude, preferring loneliness over a broken heart. I admire the way he put his entire life on the canvas, without censorship, and every little dab I see when I go up close is so moving, so carefully placed. A simple, yet complex man, who knew what was important, and fought his demons as best he could. And most importantly, I admire his ability to love. He was not a cold person, uninterested in the joy of a smile on a woman's face, or her smell, or the way she tasted.
A somber mood for me today. Singing "Sunday" all day, feeling a bit like George. Perhaps it's just a phase; perhaps I need to finish the hat.
You can say to yourself 'well, I give what I give'
But the woman who won't wait for you knows
That however you live, there's a part of you
Always standing by
Mapping out a sky
Finishing a hat"
My absolute favorite piece of music, drama, maybe art. "Sunday in the Park with George" by Sondheim. Not really well known for him, but it's just perfect. It follows the pointillist painter, George Seurat, as he rises to fame, and also falls in love with Dot, a local girl he uses as a model to paint. Dot and George have a very rocky relationship, fiery with passion, but ultimately, George can never fully give to Dot what she asks of him. He is always "finishing the hat" in his paintings, always needing that extra minute or hour or moment. His work seems to control him, and it has terrible effects on his relationship with Dot. But there are moments when their love transcends all of that, and it is so real and raw and unbridled.
The music, oh the music is just incredible; puts you in a trance. I don't know how to describe it. The perfect blend of words, with melodies that make your head lose focus. I sway just thinking about it now. And the dialogue, gut-wrenching. Dot and George love each other, but George "is what he does", and it ultimately chases Dot away. Before he does, though, George immortalizes Dot in his most-famous painting ever, and one that is at the pinnacle of the pointillist movement, "Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte."
I feel for George. I see his passion for his work, and his need for love. I feel his sense of longing, knowing he could have the best thing possible for himself, his ever-loving and supportive Dot, and how he still cannot find a way to shake the forces making him stay up all night and paint. I sympathize with his solitude, preferring loneliness over a broken heart. I admire the way he put his entire life on the canvas, without censorship, and every little dab I see when I go up close is so moving, so carefully placed. A simple, yet complex man, who knew what was important, and fought his demons as best he could. And most importantly, I admire his ability to love. He was not a cold person, uninterested in the joy of a smile on a woman's face, or her smell, or the way she tasted.
A somber mood for me today. Singing "Sunday" all day, feeling a bit like George. Perhaps it's just a phase; perhaps I need to finish the hat.
April 12, 2007
One-Act Festival, 2000
I was thinking today on the train, and something brought to mind the play I directed as a junior in high school.
"Wanda's Visit" by Christopher Darling is the hilarious story of an otherwise boring married couple, who have their lives turned upside down when Wanda, the high school sweetheart of the husband, shows up to pay an unexpected visit, except she is not as "sophisticated" as she once was. Wanda's fallen on hard times, with no money, no job, on the run from some dubious men, and thought meeting up with an old flame would be the best thing!
Anyways, hilarity ensues. Just hilarity. Two of my closest friends, Mike and Alison, played the leads, and it was just an absolutely awesome night and performance. I designed the set, the lighting, the costumes, and directed the acting. I got to sit in the back of the theatre at school and beam with smiles as the crowd roared with each joke. I remember thinking that I could do this forever, and how much I loved the theatre. I was not a very talented actor myself, but I did have a knack of showing others how to act naturally, smoothly, and convincingly. I remember going through the dress rehearsal, sending lighting cues, watching my vision come to reality. "Wanda's Visit" was a smash hit, and we only did one performance. Mike was the talk of the school from his performance the next few days, and I was the talk of the faculty.
I think I might get back involved in theatre. I want to learn how to articulate what I know so to speak to an actor, and show him/her where I want them to go. Ultimately, it would incredible to sit in the back of the theatre again, and hear the laughter once more; to get the silent satisfaction knowing you were at the helm of something really genuine.
==============================================
Game 1 of the Sabres playoffs is tonight. It will be quite the occasion. I'll leave it at that. Hope you have a good day.
"Wanda's Visit" by Christopher Darling is the hilarious story of an otherwise boring married couple, who have their lives turned upside down when Wanda, the high school sweetheart of the husband, shows up to pay an unexpected visit, except she is not as "sophisticated" as she once was. Wanda's fallen on hard times, with no money, no job, on the run from some dubious men, and thought meeting up with an old flame would be the best thing!
Anyways, hilarity ensues. Just hilarity. Two of my closest friends, Mike and Alison, played the leads, and it was just an absolutely awesome night and performance. I designed the set, the lighting, the costumes, and directed the acting. I got to sit in the back of the theatre at school and beam with smiles as the crowd roared with each joke. I remember thinking that I could do this forever, and how much I loved the theatre. I was not a very talented actor myself, but I did have a knack of showing others how to act naturally, smoothly, and convincingly. I remember going through the dress rehearsal, sending lighting cues, watching my vision come to reality. "Wanda's Visit" was a smash hit, and we only did one performance. Mike was the talk of the school from his performance the next few days, and I was the talk of the faculty.
I think I might get back involved in theatre. I want to learn how to articulate what I know so to speak to an actor, and show him/her where I want them to go. Ultimately, it would incredible to sit in the back of the theatre again, and hear the laughter once more; to get the silent satisfaction knowing you were at the helm of something really genuine.
==============================================
Game 1 of the Sabres playoffs is tonight. It will be quite the occasion. I'll leave it at that. Hope you have a good day.
April 11, 2007
Alice
Alice was the name of my favorite radio station, 92.9. I broke my antenna on my Sharp CD player, and would spend sometimes 30+ minutes trying to locate it on my FM radio. Worth it everytime - hearing Lisa Loeb, Jewel, REM, Dave Matthews solo acoustic, Travis, Rufus Wainwright, and so on. Now it's some easy listening station. Oh well.
Yes, Jane's Addition is kinda weird, dude...
"Believe in me
As I believe in you
Tonight
Tonight, tonight"
VEEN and I were talking on the train this morning, and we started thinking back to our early adolescence. All the bands and music we loved. How I used to go from Nirvana to Boyz II Men, Live to Dr. Dre, and so on. Toni Braxton, in her 4'10'' build, would belt out songs and it hit me at my core. Hootie and the Blowfish, who I've seen in concert since I bought their album, made you think and dance, and paved the way for me to get into Dave Matthews. I started my journey with this era, going to see Bush and No Doubt in 7th grade on a Tuesday - I remember getting literally scared because I was up so late, and I had to go to school the next day. I remember the Montell Jordan's, K7s, Pearl Jams, Batman Forever Soundtracks, the Brandys, LL Cool J, Soundgarden, and so on. The songs were cheesy, the lyrics over the top, especially with the R&B, but it never phased me. All that music could just swallow me up. I could float between groups at school, who liked the new alternative rock or the others who liked the new hip-hop that was emerging. Bands like Oasis made me so happy to listen to, and I remember singing "She's Electric" and "Don't Look Back in Anger" over, and over, and over.
I used to have my room in my basement downstairs, and I bought my first ever CD player for 125 dollars on layaway at K-Mart on my 13th birthday. It was a Sharp 5-disc changer, and I remember liking it because my best friend Mark had the same one. We used to put in Boyz II Men "II" and jump on his trampoline, singing our brains out. We used to skip some songs because we didn't know them, but one day I made Mark listen to the skipped songs. That's when I began to love songs like "Jezebele" and "50 Candles". In fact, the first time I ever heard the Beatles "Yesterday", I was jumping on Mark's trampoline, and it came on as an accapella rendition. I thought it was a BIIM song, a la "Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday." I first heard Wu Tang then as well, sitting on Mark's porch. He played it for me, and it was almost like a comedy sketch, we couldn't stop laughing, in a good way. I got it, right away.
I started in the 90s, in the present at the time, and gradually I would start going back. The 80s, I was told by friends, was forgettable and just plain weird, and when I heard a Talking Heads song on the radio, I certainly agreed. Where did THAT come from, I would think. So we went back to the Beatles, the Stones (as per my father and his tapes in the van), and some Led Zeppelin. I never really got it though. I was still reeling from the newest Sublime self-titled CD, which had more swear words in it that any music I had every heard. Each time the work "fuck" dropped, I would get all bug-eyed and think "Oh man, I hope my parents aren't going to like drive by..." Then, Green Day's "Dookie" record hit me in such a way that I thought, "you know, I really don't like this type of music, but man, let's listen to the WHOLE record ONE more time!"
Sigh, what a wonderful set of years. I feel like this music greeted me, welcomed me into the world as a thinking, rational, spirited person. I would spend hours upon hours upon hours laying on the bed, singing, listening, getting so lost in someone's ability to speak to my core. The music was so accessible, so real to me.
I think I'm going to try my absolute best to download all of this music as soon as possible. From "Glycerine", "The Freshman", to "Hey Lover" and "I Only Wanna be with You," I can really construct the soundtrack to my life. I can tell you the first time I ever felt in love, the song I was listening to was "Crash" (could this BE more cliche? haha but it was beautiful, so buzz off haters). When my sister Elicia would get mad or upset with my parents, she would go in her room and blast "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit. I personally used to blast "Greedy Fly" by Bush, or maybe even classic Bush like "Everything Zen." I don't know. I lived and died on the music, it was as a part of my as my fingernails. What a wonderful, innocent, and true time.
As I believe in you
Tonight
Tonight, tonight"
VEEN and I were talking on the train this morning, and we started thinking back to our early adolescence. All the bands and music we loved. How I used to go from Nirvana to Boyz II Men, Live to Dr. Dre, and so on. Toni Braxton, in her 4'10'' build, would belt out songs and it hit me at my core. Hootie and the Blowfish, who I've seen in concert since I bought their album, made you think and dance, and paved the way for me to get into Dave Matthews. I started my journey with this era, going to see Bush and No Doubt in 7th grade on a Tuesday - I remember getting literally scared because I was up so late, and I had to go to school the next day. I remember the Montell Jordan's, K7s, Pearl Jams, Batman Forever Soundtracks, the Brandys, LL Cool J, Soundgarden, and so on. The songs were cheesy, the lyrics over the top, especially with the R&B, but it never phased me. All that music could just swallow me up. I could float between groups at school, who liked the new alternative rock or the others who liked the new hip-hop that was emerging. Bands like Oasis made me so happy to listen to, and I remember singing "She's Electric" and "Don't Look Back in Anger" over, and over, and over.
I used to have my room in my basement downstairs, and I bought my first ever CD player for 125 dollars on layaway at K-Mart on my 13th birthday. It was a Sharp 5-disc changer, and I remember liking it because my best friend Mark had the same one. We used to put in Boyz II Men "II" and jump on his trampoline, singing our brains out. We used to skip some songs because we didn't know them, but one day I made Mark listen to the skipped songs. That's when I began to love songs like "Jezebele" and "50 Candles". In fact, the first time I ever heard the Beatles "Yesterday", I was jumping on Mark's trampoline, and it came on as an accapella rendition. I thought it was a BIIM song, a la "Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday." I first heard Wu Tang then as well, sitting on Mark's porch. He played it for me, and it was almost like a comedy sketch, we couldn't stop laughing, in a good way. I got it, right away.
I started in the 90s, in the present at the time, and gradually I would start going back. The 80s, I was told by friends, was forgettable and just plain weird, and when I heard a Talking Heads song on the radio, I certainly agreed. Where did THAT come from, I would think. So we went back to the Beatles, the Stones (as per my father and his tapes in the van), and some Led Zeppelin. I never really got it though. I was still reeling from the newest Sublime self-titled CD, which had more swear words in it that any music I had every heard. Each time the work "fuck" dropped, I would get all bug-eyed and think "Oh man, I hope my parents aren't going to like drive by..." Then, Green Day's "Dookie" record hit me in such a way that I thought, "you know, I really don't like this type of music, but man, let's listen to the WHOLE record ONE more time!"
Sigh, what a wonderful set of years. I feel like this music greeted me, welcomed me into the world as a thinking, rational, spirited person. I would spend hours upon hours upon hours laying on the bed, singing, listening, getting so lost in someone's ability to speak to my core. The music was so accessible, so real to me.
I think I'm going to try my absolute best to download all of this music as soon as possible. From "Glycerine", "The Freshman", to "Hey Lover" and "I Only Wanna be with You," I can really construct the soundtrack to my life. I can tell you the first time I ever felt in love, the song I was listening to was "Crash" (could this BE more cliche? haha but it was beautiful, so buzz off haters). When my sister Elicia would get mad or upset with my parents, she would go in her room and blast "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit. I personally used to blast "Greedy Fly" by Bush, or maybe even classic Bush like "Everything Zen." I don't know. I lived and died on the music, it was as a part of my as my fingernails. What a wonderful, innocent, and true time.
April 10, 2007
A Farewell to Eddie / Standing on the present, looking to the sun
A fond phone call with a friend has raised me up, and I feel much better.
I think there must be some sort of "Anxiety Monster" that has decided to creep inside of me about 6-7 years ago. I also think this Anxiety Monster, who I will call "Eddie" today, decided to set up shop at the part of my mind located at the very beginning of something new, exciting, and perhaps wonderful. And everytime I begin to go down the pathway of experiencing something real or something worthwhile, he jumps in front of me and stops me in my tracks, and torments me with anxiety, guilt, doubt, and whatever else that causes me to walk around on pins and needles. Eddie reminds me of why I do not deserve what I have or what I might be getting, and he always makes a point to let me know that this high-flying feeling will end, soon in fact, and it'd be best to turn back around. Thanks Eddie.
Well, if you're still reading, I'm not a psycho. But there is something to me always feeling so incredibly anxious when good things happen or may happen. It's not the real me. I am optimistic at my core, one of only a few things present there. The other things at my core, such as my belief in God, honesty, etc (include my Buffalo Sabres here as well) have guided me always, and give me hope.
This blog is so therapeudic. I understand you may not be able to sift through the codes and references to abstract things in my mind, but I need to get my own story out there for my sake.
=============================================
My home is shaping up to be simply wonderful. It is now officially worth the commute, and I feel a sense of closure with everything that has transpired over the past year. We made it through a year here, alive, healthy, smarter, funnier, wiser, more talented, and on the verge of grasping those dreams I used to think about in Mrs. Quinn's 8th grade class. Elliot, Ryan, we're doing it. Vinny, you're already on your way. I look at the friends, the close-close-close people I now have in my life, and those who have weathered the storm with me. I feel the closeness now, more than ever. We're all going to do great things, be entertainers, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, Senators, executives, millionaires, Emmy-winners, poets, dreamers, and whatever else we're setting out for. I have no doubt.
I think there must be some sort of "Anxiety Monster" that has decided to creep inside of me about 6-7 years ago. I also think this Anxiety Monster, who I will call "Eddie" today, decided to set up shop at the part of my mind located at the very beginning of something new, exciting, and perhaps wonderful. And everytime I begin to go down the pathway of experiencing something real or something worthwhile, he jumps in front of me and stops me in my tracks, and torments me with anxiety, guilt, doubt, and whatever else that causes me to walk around on pins and needles. Eddie reminds me of why I do not deserve what I have or what I might be getting, and he always makes a point to let me know that this high-flying feeling will end, soon in fact, and it'd be best to turn back around. Thanks Eddie.
Well, if you're still reading, I'm not a psycho. But there is something to me always feeling so incredibly anxious when good things happen or may happen. It's not the real me. I am optimistic at my core, one of only a few things present there. The other things at my core, such as my belief in God, honesty, etc (include my Buffalo Sabres here as well) have guided me always, and give me hope.
This blog is so therapeudic. I understand you may not be able to sift through the codes and references to abstract things in my mind, but I need to get my own story out there for my sake.
=============================================
My home is shaping up to be simply wonderful. It is now officially worth the commute, and I feel a sense of closure with everything that has transpired over the past year. We made it through a year here, alive, healthy, smarter, funnier, wiser, more talented, and on the verge of grasping those dreams I used to think about in Mrs. Quinn's 8th grade class. Elliot, Ryan, we're doing it. Vinny, you're already on your way. I look at the friends, the close-close-close people I now have in my life, and those who have weathered the storm with me. I feel the closeness now, more than ever. We're all going to do great things, be entertainers, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, Senators, executives, millionaires, Emmy-winners, poets, dreamers, and whatever else we're setting out for. I have no doubt.
April 9, 2007
Seems like everytime I get back on my feet she comes around and knocks me down again
Happy Dyngus Day - tranditional Polish holiday commemorating Easter Monday. Guys with the pussywillows, girls with the water sprayers. I miss being home for it.
I've nothing else to say
Apart from saying that I am now a part of a saga
And who the fuck knows what's going to happen.
I want love in my life. I want it drawn towards me.
I have God in my life. He blessed me with the music yesterday, and the good friends.
It feels very good to know I mean what I say, down to the word. A big step.
Forgive the cryptic-ness.
I've nothing else to say
Apart from saying that I am now a part of a saga
And who the fuck knows what's going to happen.
I want love in my life. I want it drawn towards me.
I have God in my life. He blessed me with the music yesterday, and the good friends.
It feels very good to know I mean what I say, down to the word. A big step.
Forgive the cryptic-ness.
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