Blog

My blog is getting annoying.

I feel like a street puddle. Stagnant. Growing old.

I feel that a chunk of those around me have lost perspective, and no longer value my friendship like they once did. I can feel it.

At the same time, I am closer than ever with a focused few. I truly value the time, effort, and relationships that have blossomed. I feel my pulse ease, my cheeks ache from laughing, every time I see them. Thank you.

My music career should never feel like something meant to fill in a gap of time until something else is going on, but I feel it is so, especially with those around me. I just released a CD, and I'm not sure why I feel so behind the ball. I guess the best way to put it is that I feel that perspective is getting lost, but not necessarily from me.

I am lonely, and have become jaded at the notion of having someone to share my life with. Jaded, I say, because anger is easier to place than hurt or doubt. I am not confident I will meet someone anytime soon.

I am happy for friends who have gotten engaged. It is a constant reminder that I am socially behind the ball though.

My life seems so full of promise and "up-side," but I don't feel it now. I feel tired, sad, and defeated. I feel I am losing friends, and I need to change my settings, surroundings, or social networks, and whatever might need to be done for my music.

The songs coming out of me are consistently my best work, and I am deathly afraid that no one will care. I feel healthy after a long stretch of being ill, and sleep well. But progress seems lost on me, like I was standing in front of a celebration and not allowed to participate. Or watching a parade. I've yet to make my mark, and I desperately want to. I just want to chance to do it.

My suspicions are heightened. My guard is up in New York City. I want to put the shield away.