A Prayer on High

My Creator, all things are one in You.
In my most human moments,
I am helpless against Gluttony, Lust, and Pride.
I am a contradictory Creature,
Who struggles to realize his own potential.
I am not tireless in the Good Fight,
Nor am I completely immobilized.
Fear, in its most real form,
Still has its hold of me
And can paralyze me.
There are Familiar Holes,
Familiar Chambers of the depths,
That I jump into
On this Frozen Landscape of Eternity:
Those of self-pity, self-hatred, and longing.

I Pity myself for being "behind" those around me,
For being less successful,
For not having the Gifts that others have.
I pity myself for not having incredible closeness with my father,
And for spending the bulk of my life
Chasing supposed Pipe Dreams.

The Self-Hatred is one where I look down at my body,
See very little to no progress,
And in turn reject myself.
I feel shallow, unworthy, and unintelligent here.
I feel hatred toward all the squandered time and energy
Spent on websites, playing games, or doing nothing.
I feel especially angry
At the Person I Once Was,
Because reliving memories
Or looking back
Only makes me cringe.

The Longing Hole
Is one I crawl in
To mask the first Two,
And is often a gateway
To the Other Two.
It is the one with the least to do with Me,
And it is the one where I harm my psyche
The Most.
I am most comfortable here,
O Creator,
Because I can blame someone else,
Or You.
I long to be loved,
To feel closeness,
To be my More Perfect Self,
To write that Transcendent piece of Art,
To help Others.
Yet so much of that is not up to me,
And There Is So Much Comfort In The Blame Game.
As justification for not having what I want
Or not being what I should,
I Either feel sorry for myself
Or deeply hate myself.
O Creator, I do not like these methods,
But it has been all I know.

When I wear my Scallop Shell around my neck,
I feel protected.
It has become a symbol of Immense Power.
It has, more importantly,
Become a Symbol of Immense Mercy.
It provides me the Opportunity to gain perspective
I will take it to be blessed.

My Creator,
I want to be better
I can be better.
I want to live empowered
I want to help others
I want a Family,
A Child,
And to experience real and everlasting Love.
I want all these things,
And in Your Time.
I now stand at a Cliff of a vast Sea
I Once Comfortably called Home:
A Sea of Faith,
Of Destiny,
A Sea of Right and Wrong.
I spent 7 years climbing out
Because I thought I knew a better way.
Now there is only One Way -
Your Way.
I submit
To the Purification of my Mind, Body, and Spirit,
I will need reminders
And to learn Hard Lessons
But here I go,
Into the Water.

Thank You For Everything.