The Good Fight

"There I thought about the relentless effort Petrus had made to help me understand that contrary to what we had always been taught, results WERE what counted. One's efforts are salutary and indispensable, but without results, they amount to nothing." P. Coelho

A Prayer on High

My Creator, all things are one in You.
In my most human moments,
I am helpless against Gluttony, Lust, and Pride.
I am a contradictory Creature,
Who struggles to realize his own potential.
I am not tireless in the Good Fight,
Nor am I completely immobilized.
Fear, in its most real form,
Still has its hold of me
And can paralyze me.
There are Familiar Holes,
Familiar Chambers of the depths,
That I jump into
On this Frozen Landscape of Eternity:
Those of self-pity, self-hatred, and longing.

I Pity myself for being "behind" those around me,
For being less successful,
For not having the Gifts that others have.
I pity myself for not having incredible closeness with my father,
And for spending the bulk of my life
Chasing supposed Pipe Dreams.

The Self-Hatred is one where I look down at my body,
See very little to no progress,
And in turn reject myself.
I feel shallow, unworthy, and unintelligent here.
I feel hatred toward all the squandered time and energy
Spent on websites, playing games, or doing nothing.
I feel especially angry
At the Person I Once Was,
Because reliving memories
Or looking back
Only makes me cringe.

The Longing Hole
Is one I crawl in
To mask the first Two,
And is often a gateway
To the Other Two.
It is the one with the least to do with Me,
And it is the one where I harm my psyche
The Most.
I am most comfortable here,
O Creator,
Because I can blame someone else,
Or You.
I long to be loved,
To feel closeness,
To be my More Perfect Self,
To write that Transcendent piece of Art,
To help Others.
Yet so much of that is not up to me,
And There Is So Much Comfort In The Blame Game.
As justification for not having what I want
Or not being what I should,
I Either feel sorry for myself
Or deeply hate myself.
O Creator, I do not like these methods,
But it has been all I know.

When I wear my Scallop Shell around my neck,
I feel protected.
It has become a symbol of Immense Power.
It has, more importantly,
Become a Symbol of Immense Mercy.
It provides me the Opportunity to gain perspective
I will take it to be blessed.

My Creator,
I want to be better
I can be better.
I want to live empowered
I want to help others
I want a Family,
A Child,
And to experience real and everlasting Love.
I want all these things,
And in Your Time.
I now stand at a Cliff of a vast Sea
I Once Comfortably called Home:
A Sea of Faith,
Of Destiny,
A Sea of Right and Wrong.
I spent 7 years climbing out
Because I thought I knew a better way.
Now there is only One Way -
Your Way.
I submit
To the Purification of my Mind, Body, and Spirit,
I will need reminders
And to learn Hard Lessons
But here I go,
Into the Water.

Thank You For Everything.

I'm still here.

"You also need to look back, not just at the people who are running behind you but especially at those who don't run and never will... Those who run but don't race... Those who started training for a race but didn't carry through... Those who got to the starting line but didn't get to the finish line... Those who once raced better than you but no longer run at all. You're still here. Take pride in wherever you finish. Look at all the people you've outlasted."

-Joe Henderson

Home Depot

All will be well
And all manner of things will be well.
My gut tells me enough time has not passed
It is still too fresh
Too angry
And despite your best efforts to honor my requests
Those around you do not
Please know that my heart breaks for our circumstances
And for those beyond my control
And if I weren't trying to put out 5 of my own people's fires
I would return to tackle yours.
You're capable
And this silence, while at times hurtful and strange
Has been helping to heal and return a center to my life
I am not cruel
Nor am I living a moment or hour
Or day
Or week
In anger
But in my distance
Was hoping you would take the time
To D.I.Y.
For whatever it's worth.

Reflections Upon Being Home

Take the convolution and make it clear
Take all things that confuse me here
Purify
Get ready
The Walk to Saint James awaits.
Purify your body by Stress
A leaner, lighter Temple within
Simplify.
"My feet is my only carriage"
And so I push on through.
The complex orders of food and drink
Are now handmade by myself
Fresh Fruit, fresh vegetables
Lean meat, Delicious Coffee
And most importantly,
Quality time in the day-to-day
With my beautiful Family.
I hope to be the Great Anchor
That, despite Oceans of Separation,
Can steadily guide them towards each other
By example.

Fruitless pursuits of women,
Showing Mounting desperation
Are now afterthoughts
At the new premise:
She will want me when the time is right
Until then, I turn inward,
Simplify
Because Saint James awaits.

I plead to the Universe
For the resources to be drawn near
So that such a trip is possible.
I plead to all things to be One in Me,
To be simple, to be Honest,
To be real and to be all Life
So I might be a Pilgrim
And Walk the Long Road
To the Rest of my Life.

En mi nueva lengua española,
quiero decir inequívocamente:
bastante!
Se realiza.

"The Subtle Sensitivity to Human Nuance, Returned"

"EXISTENTIAL LONELINESS WILL NOT DISAPPEAR

BY FINDING OR REPLACING PARTNERS,

CHANGING JOBS,

OR MOVING HOUSE.

IN DISCOVERING WHO WE ARE, THESE OUTER CIRCUMSTANCES

MAY CHANGE, BUT IT IS OUR ABILITY TO OBSERVE

THE CHANGING DRAMAS OF OUR LIFE,

AND THE LIFE OF OTHERS AROUND US,

AGAINST A LARGER BACKDROP,

THAT WILL BRING A UNITED PURPOSE

TO ALL OUR JOURNEYING."

~J. Brierly

Playtime is Over.

Beard

Next time I shave will be May 14th when I get back from Europe.

Every time I leave
There's an unending loop
Of
"I am leaving, I am leaving
But the fighter still remains"
Melancholy
Accomplished
Realizing that, bruised,
I head Home
Head held high.

Constantly Constant

I feel weird
And Buffalo is no longer
A place of solidarity
I miss you
Each one of you
And especially You

I tiptoe around
Opportunities to grow up
And maybe I should call more often
But it might be a signal fire
I selectively choose
To take interest, or fight

This is the most uncertain time of my life
And I need to know that you're Constant
That you're constantly Constant

My band of friends travel with me
And I stand after the show
Soaked
And hoarse
And take compliments from strangers
And good friends
And I begin to eye the room
And right there -
STOP THE TAPE -
Right there
My insides crumble
My lungs deflate
Because I can't shake it
or You.

I would discard this bit of me
If I hadn't come to love it so much
Am I selfish for that?
Is it too cheesy to admit
That I would sing for only one person
If you let me?

Crippling debt
Oppressive heat
Unwavering anxiety
And the belief that I'm much better off now
Are my Constantly Constants.

Goodnight, and I am thankful
But, oh, if you knew the depths
The deep depths that still feel warm
If you truly knew the depths
Of what I am capable of
And what I seek in my life
And how I cherish it
You would know how loaded,
How piled on, taped,
Stapled, glued
Jam-packed
Crumbled
How concentrated
My words are
When I say
So simply
And as best I can
That
I
Miss
You.