On Faith

Friends of mine have been asking me about my Faith lately.
They both say they're losing it.
I am, too.
I'm sick of defending the organization I was raised to worship with
The Catholic Church.
And I'm sick of trying to speak of it righteously
And to encourage those unsure
That it is indeed accepting
And wonderful
And the correct version of Jesus.

I also seriously doubt the "everything happens for a reason" aspect
God is the Eros, God is Nature
God is the Great System
And we are loved in a morally objective way
We have what we need around us
And we have the ways and means to get it
But some of us do not, or have them taken from us
And that is why, man-to-man, we have an obligation
To fight for those unfortunate

I find it oddly curious that people we refer to as saints
Do their wonderful, their amazing deeds
And all the while, they are told
That performing such deeds
Lead to an infinitely happy after-life.
So, ignorantly, I wonder often
About the true merits of those people's work
Is it selfish at its core?
To do good because it will lead you to an abundance of good?
Wouldn't doing good NOT in the name of God be more noble?
Since the promise of a heaven is not there?
Therefore, you surely are looking out for the betterment
Of your brother.

My faith has been shaken by my own life
By my family and it's falling
By standing at the top of a mountain
On a golf course
And feeling small
And alone.

At the same time, though,
It shifts my focus
My friends that TRULY have made an effort to be in my life
Especially this past month or months
Well, the time spent with them
Is what I take with me
It helps me deal.
The way I thought God used to help me
If all I have is this life
I cherish it that much more
Because I don't lead a perfect life
And I try hard to be a good man
But I very often fail.
Yet those few friends that remain close by
They wrap their arms around me
And they take the place that God once had for me

I feel so far
So very far
From the enlightened feeling I used to enjoy
Life has gotten exceedingly complicated
And I have several moments a day
Where I realize how old I am now
And yet I still want to believe I'm 16.

I believe in prayer.
I believe in the power and RESPONSIBILITY of people
To live change
But I am shaken
And I am so doubtful now

Keep asking yourself "why?"
When you think of the things you do
It was always such an easy response for me
And now, I avoid the "why"
And maybe there is no "why"
Or if there is, maybe it's much more simple
Than what I was brought up to believe

Disease, natural disasters, etc.
All these things exist in a world
And always have.
Their function, amongst others
Is to show us what is the opposite of good
To show us the duality of our world

I want to believe in something
Or someone
And struggle with that all the time.
I want to have a personal relationship
With a force greater than I
And to be loved
And assured that a good life
Will be rewarded.
I'm just not so sure anymore.