And then there is "Lost"...

Thinking back on the episode today brings me to tears. I was just so moved. And today I was having a hard time putting words to it, but...

We all want to believe. To a man, we want to believe that those around us do not ever die in vein, and that sacrifices will be worth it. We want to believe that a good life will shape us into a happy afterlife. And for me, to see Jack walk his final minutes on this Earth, destiny fulfilled, knowing the people he loved were safe, and knowing that a reunion awaited him someday - well, it made me believe, and it made my heart leap. That's what faith does! It makes you wrap your arms around your brother, hold them tight, and cherish them! It makes you weep out of happiness and longing, out of contrition and remorse; it makes us feel. Science makes us think, but faith makes us feel. "Lost" was about feeling. The final episode showed how important our time is with those around us.

But....WOW. My favorite moment (which is now 3 favorite moments, now that I think of it:)

1.) When Jack defends the real John Locke and says the MiB disgraces his memory by wearing his face. That to me spoke volumes, especially after the first three seasons of Jack and Locke bickering back and forth about the button. And Jack was right - John Locke to me was a man at the pinnacle of enlightenment. A man who believed so fervently. His loss feels real to me on some level, and always has.

2.) When Jack lay in the yellow pool, having returned the light to island, and the water started flowing. To me, that was everyone's soul. To lose that would be to lose the chance to ascend to an afterlife. Our spirit would be bound to earth, and we could not return to the bright light that we all go to. I can only hope to share that joy he must have felt. Or perhaps, relief. The way Jesus would have felt right before he gave himself up..."it is finished." To me, Jack's ultimate reward was never going to be Jacob's powers or his seeming omnipotence. It would be to escape the mortal coil, to be reunited with the Source that he swore to defend.

3.) OF COURSE, the final scene with Christian and Jack. How moving! Jack was like a 5 year-old asking his father about why rain falls, why the sun rises, or why his dog had to die. And his father, who I always knew was way, way more loving than given credit for, did what he knew best - he spoke to his son, and then let him figure it out for himself. He then wrapped his arms around him, and said he loved him. There was a gush in my room when that happened. How fortunate for them both to be together again! Don't we all want that? That's what hit home when I watched it...."Yes! Yessss! I want to believe so badly that this is how it is! That I will be with them again!" And then to walk into the church, see everyone, and know that the death, the carnage, the pain, the struggle, the fighting, the passion, it all was beyond meaningful...it was life. It defined them all, and united them all. By living together, no one died alone.

Seeing each character "awaken" was very, very emotional to watch. For those moments, those nanoseconds where suddenly eternity entered in, they had a lifelong retrospective and a reminder of what they had lived. They all went through a journey of first disbelief, then longing for what they had in their earthly life, and then a realization that the reunion was upon them. Specifically, my favorite moment was Juliet and Sawyer. Sawyer loved her so deeply, so tragically ("Don't you let go, Blondie!"), and so truly, and to see them face-to-face, unable to even think or react to each other on account of the joy and relief they were experiencing, was just remarkable...to stand and see the person you so fervently missed and loved more than any other, and to behold them once more! I keep saying it, but there's a part of our human experience that stirs when we see that play out! We want SO BADLY to believe.

Jack's final moments on the island were such a special thing to behold: how a body dies, how a mind rejoices at the same time, and a soul readies itself to move on. It was a beautiful, beautiful death. The way his body lay down, so as to yield focus to the mind, which could take in absolutely everything at its final stage, and then deliver to the soul forever - ahhh, I'm all choked up at work! And I kept saying to Jack, 'you were right, and you did what you needed to do. You are redeemed, my friend.'

Jack in the sideways timeline, to me, represented to me so vividly something I have and will continue to struggle with: the willingness to let go, and to trust something other that what is visible and measurable. He seemed almost sad when he first had the awakening, while standing there with Locke. He was scared...of what, I am not sure. But when he touched that coffin, and then saw it was empty, his transformation to pure spirit was complete.

I could go on, and on, and on. But the crux of what I'm getting at is this: "Lost" made me feel, and no other drama EVER has made me feel that hard, that intense, and that pure. It reminded me of my time with my grandfather, how badly I missed him, and of the time with my Mother and Father, and how I can't wait to see them in a few weeks. It reminded me that there are absolutely wonderful, brilliant people who shine just as bright as that white light who are in my life right now.  We do it all for each other, and we are living out our very own "island" experiences in a more subtle way. Because, as I have discussed in the past, we don't "takeaway" our possessions, looks, or money. Instead, we takeaway the lessons, the laughs, the struggles that have caused us to ascend into both wisdom and whatever awaits us on the other side of death.

I could only hope to be as satisfied and fulfilled as Jack Shepard, and to experience the incredible, overwhelming sense of relief to realize that the reunion was real, and was eternal.

Madre

You need not hold me back, woman
I am but a curious son.
You cannot do it all, Mother
And I do not expect the world anymore
If I check in with my Friend
Friend is you of course
It is not to dive into things
Things that still sting
Things I have not yet mustered
The Energy to face.
It's to hear stories of the hospital
Of our crazy veterans
Of our crazy family members
My crazy little sister
Frightened of bugs
And to tell you
That I really do love you.

the Invisible Connect Reuniting a Visible Disconnect

when I Feel for You
does the Universe Ripple out?
does the Feeling Hit You
in a Soft, Unsuspecting Wave?

do You Notice the Rush
or does it Stay in my Pond?
Boggy
Filled with Mosquitoes
and Brazenly Sincere

when I Feel for You
do Lights Flicker in Your Office?
do You Suddenly Bounce Your Leg
with Excitement?

I am always 80%
Eighty
Per-
-cent.
I am often
Thoughtfully Incompl....

I Send out Feelers
Feelers Filled with Feelings
Hoping an Invisible Connect
Reunites a Visible Disconnect

when I Feel for You
is it Justified?
is it Realistic?
is it Rare?

do You Soak the Feel in,
Store it Away
with All the Other
Subtle Waves
Invading Your Pond

A Season of Faith's Perfection

(From the movie "Finding Forrester," staring Sean Connery)

"Sit. Go ahead."

"Go ahead and what?"

"Write."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm writing. Like you'll be, when you start punching those keys. Is there a problem?"

"No. I'm just thinking."

"No thinking. That comes later. You write your first draft...with your heart. You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is...to write. Not to think. Jesus. Is there a chance you might sit down?"

"'A season of Faith's perfection.' What's this?"

"Start typing that. Sometimes the simple rhythm of typing gets us from page one to page two. When you begin to feel your own words, start typing them. [pause] Punch the keys for God's sake! YES! You're the man now, dog. Jamal? Whatever we write in this apartment...stays in this apartment. No exceptions."

A season of Faith's perfection.

When I walked home on Tuesday

And thought of the awkward time just spent with a woman

And somehow through the awkwardness

God brought me back.

The Grace had returned.

When there's nothing else

You live by Grace.

My Pride was so High

That I thought I could function without Grace,

That I could do good deeds, but not have faith.

And somehow, this would be more noble

And more real.

A season of Faith's perfection

When baseball metaphors creep into my day

And long hallways become playground little league games.

I am the great chess master at the center,

The pitcher,

Seeing that a life guided by Grace

Is one that cannot go astray

And the responsibility of one's burden in life

Is often at the expense of great, magnified fame
And you may never be a Major Leaguer
But you will do great things.

A season of Faith's perfection

Using words not my own

And making them mine.

Making something external

One in me,

Like my Faith,

Like my friends,

Like the Snapple bottle in front of me.

A season of Faith's perfection

When I overcome my insecurity

About my singing voice,

And trust what others say around me.

More importantly,

Trust they are not delivering lip service.

A season of Faith's perfection

Seeing my family, shattered,

Still reflect light

From the floor.

Knowing that 

A New Norm

Means Progress.

A season of Faith's perfection

When believing in God is more difficult than ever.

Yet, entirely around me

Feeling the mind act as the ship Captain

On an otherwise overweight, ugly ship,

Fighting through the mental barriers

Of overeating, not exercising,

And still able to express,

Feel,

and Process beauty.

A season of Faith's perfection

When the Warm Light unites us all

And we cannot put it out.

When my friends band together 

In this fucking intense New York City

Hold one another,

Cry with one another,

Drink with one another,

Shout and fight with one another,

And grow with one another.

We are a different breed,

We Intelligentsia of Greenwich Village,

You, Intelligentsia of the Lower East Side

You, Intelligentsia of Park Slope

You, Intelligentsia of Williamsburg

We are all a breed unlike no other:

One stop Shops

Artists

Entrepreneurs

Businessmen

Businesswomen

Lawyers

Engineers

Producers

Lovers

Fighters

Soldiers

Friends.

The circles of musicians

Eventually meld into one

We all believe -

WE BELIEVE -

That time and effort

Spirals us forward

Into progress.

A season of Faith's perfection

When "clarity takes over me"

When borrowed lines from old songs of mine

Say more than they ever have.

When I look towards myself,

See the Warm Light once more

And realize

That someone is holding my hand

As if I were 5.

I still want to get an ice cream cone

Watch the seagulls

And the trains

On Faith

Friends of mine have been asking me about my Faith lately.
They both say they're losing it.
I am, too.
I'm sick of defending the organization I was raised to worship with
The Catholic Church.
And I'm sick of trying to speak of it righteously
And to encourage those unsure
That it is indeed accepting
And wonderful
And the correct version of Jesus.

I also seriously doubt the "everything happens for a reason" aspect
God is the Eros, God is Nature
God is the Great System
And we are loved in a morally objective way
We have what we need around us
And we have the ways and means to get it
But some of us do not, or have them taken from us
And that is why, man-to-man, we have an obligation
To fight for those unfortunate

I find it oddly curious that people we refer to as saints
Do their wonderful, their amazing deeds
And all the while, they are told
That performing such deeds
Lead to an infinitely happy after-life.
So, ignorantly, I wonder often
About the true merits of those people's work
Is it selfish at its core?
To do good because it will lead you to an abundance of good?
Wouldn't doing good NOT in the name of God be more noble?
Since the promise of a heaven is not there?
Therefore, you surely are looking out for the betterment
Of your brother.

My faith has been shaken by my own life
By my family and it's falling
By standing at the top of a mountain
On a golf course
And feeling small
And alone.

At the same time, though,
It shifts my focus
My friends that TRULY have made an effort to be in my life
Especially this past month or months
Well, the time spent with them
Is what I take with me
It helps me deal.
The way I thought God used to help me
If all I have is this life
I cherish it that much more
Because I don't lead a perfect life
And I try hard to be a good man
But I very often fail.
Yet those few friends that remain close by
They wrap their arms around me
And they take the place that God once had for me

I feel so far
So very far
From the enlightened feeling I used to enjoy
Life has gotten exceedingly complicated
And I have several moments a day
Where I realize how old I am now
And yet I still want to believe I'm 16.

I believe in prayer.
I believe in the power and RESPONSIBILITY of people
To live change
But I am shaken
And I am so doubtful now

Keep asking yourself "why?"
When you think of the things you do
It was always such an easy response for me
And now, I avoid the "why"
And maybe there is no "why"
Or if there is, maybe it's much more simple
Than what I was brought up to believe

Disease, natural disasters, etc.
All these things exist in a world
And always have.
Their function, amongst others
Is to show us what is the opposite of good
To show us the duality of our world

I want to believe in something
Or someone
And struggle with that all the time.
I want to have a personal relationship
With a force greater than I
And to be loved
And assured that a good life
Will be rewarded.
I'm just not so sure anymore.