That time of year thou may'st in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
Bare ruin'd choirs, where late the sweet birds sang:
In me thou see'st the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west,
Which by-and-by black night doth take away,
Death's second self, that seals up all in rest:
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie
As the death-bed whereon it must expire,
Consumed with that which it was nourish'd by:
—This thou perceiv'st, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well which thou must leave ere long.
August 31, 2009
August 11, 2009
About Me
I am a loving man.
I want desperately to live well
A just, honorable, spiritual life.
To make those I love proud
To remember them, honor them,
And to be remembered.
My grandfather changed my life.
He died when I was still very young
I loved him deeply, and feel him with me everyday.
Some people come in the door, and just knock over everything in our lives
Grandpa was it
He was "cool" defined.
I don't like the things I do sometimes
The lack of respect I have for myself
And my body.
I search daily for ways to be honorable.
I am lazy.
My laziness makes every single aspect of my life so slow
And I grow impatient at the pace.
It is a paradox, but much of my life is.
I fight through believing God is with me everyday
The way I was taught.
I want to believe it is so,
Because it makes my existence more justified and validated.
Really, I think you are what you become
Because of amazing people
Mom, Dad
My Two Sisters
My incredible aunts, grandparents, and cousins
- and a little bit of luck.
I love them so much.
And fighting their love and advice used to lead
To them thinking I was ungrateful.
They were right.
I have to feel I can take care of everyone
And throw money, words, and other resources around
to SHOW it.
I go from moods of defeated to triumphant in a heartbeat
And that is not healthy
I get so anxious about every little thing
And nothing, all at once.
I've begun to shake on account of my nerves.
My life seems to be surrounded by a certain amount of protective grace
Luck - whatever you call it
Opportunity, positivity, and love
Keep finding me.
Romantic love, from a woman I also desire
Has eluded me since I was still a child.
8 long years.
I feel immature with matters of the heart
And that, despite well-wishes from others,
I will never find a woman who will be proud to walk beside me.
My mother, unintentionally, made me ashamed to outwardly feel romantic love
And to this day, I feel forever behind the ball because of it.
These past 4 years have been a time of great maturity I feel
And finally I feel grown up enough where I can be someone's companion
-walking beside them, as opposed to carrying them -
And I see people drawn towards me, to that end.
I have learned to be happy on my own terms.
An example:
I very much did set out writing this to arrive at some convenient, cute point
On how much I want her to like me, how I feel ready for this to be what I know it can be.
But the sum result is that I see all that is good around me
And know that I am where I am supposed to be
And my GOD, am I lucky to be loved, and to love
My Mom, Dad, Sisters, and Friends.
BLESSED to have them.
So whatever happens tonight,
However she ends up feeling about me,
It's OKAY.
I SING for a living. I play music that people like.
My songs move people.
It is everything I had hoped for.
And before she ever stepped in, just a few short weeks ago
It wouldn't matter if she didn't respond to me right away
Or if I wasn't sure how she felt.
This is very much a bonus, John.
It's as if life gave you an extra helping this time around.
I make a promise to myself:
Be a good man, love those who love you,
Even if it is hard sometimes.
Be thankful for what you have,
Excited for what you could have,
And never lose faith in what you are worth
And what you can do to change people.
I needed to get that out.
I want desperately to live well
A just, honorable, spiritual life.
To make those I love proud
To remember them, honor them,
And to be remembered.
My grandfather changed my life.
He died when I was still very young
I loved him deeply, and feel him with me everyday.
Some people come in the door, and just knock over everything in our lives
Grandpa was it
He was "cool" defined.
I don't like the things I do sometimes
The lack of respect I have for myself
And my body.
I search daily for ways to be honorable.
I am lazy.
My laziness makes every single aspect of my life so slow
And I grow impatient at the pace.
It is a paradox, but much of my life is.
I fight through believing God is with me everyday
The way I was taught.
I want to believe it is so,
Because it makes my existence more justified and validated.
Really, I think you are what you become
Because of amazing people
Mom, Dad
My Two Sisters
My incredible aunts, grandparents, and cousins
- and a little bit of luck.
I love them so much.
And fighting their love and advice used to lead
To them thinking I was ungrateful.
They were right.
I have to feel I can take care of everyone
And throw money, words, and other resources around
to SHOW it.
I go from moods of defeated to triumphant in a heartbeat
And that is not healthy
I get so anxious about every little thing
And nothing, all at once.
I've begun to shake on account of my nerves.
My life seems to be surrounded by a certain amount of protective grace
Luck - whatever you call it
Opportunity, positivity, and love
Keep finding me.
Romantic love, from a woman I also desire
Has eluded me since I was still a child.
8 long years.
I feel immature with matters of the heart
And that, despite well-wishes from others,
I will never find a woman who will be proud to walk beside me.
My mother, unintentionally, made me ashamed to outwardly feel romantic love
And to this day, I feel forever behind the ball because of it.
These past 4 years have been a time of great maturity I feel
And finally I feel grown up enough where I can be someone's companion
-walking beside them, as opposed to carrying them -
And I see people drawn towards me, to that end.
I have learned to be happy on my own terms.
An example:
I very much did set out writing this to arrive at some convenient, cute point
On how much I want her to like me, how I feel ready for this to be what I know it can be.
But the sum result is that I see all that is good around me
And know that I am where I am supposed to be
And my GOD, am I lucky to be loved, and to love
My Mom, Dad, Sisters, and Friends.
BLESSED to have them.
So whatever happens tonight,
However she ends up feeling about me,
It's OKAY.
I SING for a living. I play music that people like.
My songs move people.
It is everything I had hoped for.
And before she ever stepped in, just a few short weeks ago
It wouldn't matter if she didn't respond to me right away
Or if I wasn't sure how she felt.
This is very much a bonus, John.
It's as if life gave you an extra helping this time around.
I make a promise to myself:
Be a good man, love those who love you,
Even if it is hard sometimes.
Be thankful for what you have,
Excited for what you could have,
And never lose faith in what you are worth
And what you can do to change people.
I needed to get that out.
April 16, 2009
Shows
GIG SCHEDULE! Updated 5/19/09
Here's the deal for the next few months!
I play with about 8 different groups, so anything with a * after it means I am a member of that group, or an accompanist.
4-22 Wednesday - Blair Bodine* NYC CD Release Party - Googie's Lounge, upstairs of The Living Room NYC 8PM Free. I'm sitting in with Blair, after having sang vocals on her album, please come out to support, once again no cover. For those who do not know her, here is a link to her stuff: www.blairbodine.com
4-25 Saturday - Kramerbooks & Afterwards Cafe w/ Chris Ayer - Dupont Circle, Washington, DC 10PM Free. Chris Ayer and I are co-headlining this show in his hometown, going to be fantastic. Chris is a good friend, and I will be joined by a Chris of my own, Mr. Chris Flanigan on guitar.
5-05 Tuesday - NY Songwriters Circle Boston Showcase - Johnny D's, Somerville, MA 8PM $5. Liz Longley, one of my absolute favorite songwriters (up there with Rufus Wainwright, The Band, et al.) hosts this Circle in the round that will feature myself, Caleb Hawley, and Blair Bodine*. Been awhile since I've been up to Boston, so please check it out if you're near.
5-14 Thursday - The Foggy Dudes* (Celtic Music) at Pipin's Pub - Bay Ridge Brooklyn, NY 8PM Free. One of my favorite things to do with respect to music is to play the traditional Irish songs that I grew up with as a kid. It's my first time playing the Trad. songs since St. Paddy's day, so I'm really amped to be playing near home for everyone. Special guests Chris Flanigan and Carl Gallagher.
5-15 Friday - Bay Ridge All-Stars w/ Brandon Warren & BasementView* - Wicked Willy's NYC 7PM $5. Our monthly homage to Stevie, Michael, Sam & Dave, Marvin, etc.
Here's the deal for the next few months!
I play with about 8 different groups, so anything with a * after it means I am a member of that group, or an accompanist.
4-22 Wednesday - Blair Bodine* NYC CD Release Party - Googie's Lounge, upstairs of The Living Room NYC 8PM Free. I'm sitting in with Blair, after having sang vocals on her album, please come out to support, once again no cover. For those who do not know her, here is a link to her stuff: www.blairbodine.com
4-25 Saturday - Kramerbooks & Afterwards Cafe w/ Chris Ayer - Dupont Circle, Washington, DC 10PM Free. Chris Ayer and I are co-headlining this show in his hometown, going to be fantastic. Chris is a good friend, and I will be joined by a Chris of my own, Mr. Chris Flanigan on guitar.
5-05 Tuesday - NY Songwriters Circle Boston Showcase - Johnny D's, Somerville, MA 8PM $5. Liz Longley, one of my absolute favorite songwriters (up there with Rufus Wainwright, The Band, et al.) hosts this Circle in the round that will feature myself, Caleb Hawley, and Blair Bodine*. Been awhile since I've been up to Boston, so please check it out if you're near.
5-14 Thursday - The Foggy Dudes* (Celtic Music) at Pipin's Pub - Bay Ridge Brooklyn, NY 8PM Free. One of my favorite things to do with respect to music is to play the traditional Irish songs that I grew up with as a kid. It's my first time playing the Trad. songs since St. Paddy's day, so I'm really amped to be playing near home for everyone. Special guests Chris Flanigan and Carl Gallagher.
5-15 Friday - Bay Ridge All-Stars w/ Brandon Warren & BasementView* - Wicked Willy's NYC 7PM $5. Our monthly homage to Stevie, Michael, Sam & Dave, Marvin, etc.
5-22 Friday - The Back Fence - NYC 10PM $5. Standard covers for all the loud people.
5-23 Saturday - Burlap & Bean Coffeehouse w/ Lizanne Knott and Blair Bodine* - Philadelphia, PA 8PM $7. I am lucky to have the opportunity to share a bill with Lizanne and Blair, two people I respect on a personal and musical level. And, lucky to play once more in Philly, a place that always makes me feel appreciated and at home. http://www.burlapandbean.com/
5-28 Thursday - Pier 17 at South St. Seaport (Sequoia Restaurant) w/ the Bay Ridge All-Stars* - NYC, 6:30PM. Free. Our weekly fanny-wagging Motown fest right on the water for all the nice people. Every Thursday all summer long!
6-02 Tuesday - Arlene's Grocery, Merritt Management Showcase feat. Tina Mathieu*, Zach Hurd, & John Schmitt - Benefit for Focal Point Aid http://www.focalpointaid.org/ 8PM $10
6-04 Thursday - Pier 17 at South St. Seaport (Sequoia Restaurant) w/ the Bay Ridge All-Stars* - NYC, 6:30PM. Free. Our weekly fanny-wagging Motown fest right on the water for all the nice people.
6-05 Friday - Andy Mac and Friends at Cafe Vivaldi, w/ Kate Branagh* - 32 Jones Street (off of Bleeker) NYC, 8PM. Free. My good friend Andy Mac, a fellow Buffalonian, hosts this monthly showcase, and asked me to do a set; my dear friend Kate will be playing a set, too! Perfect for a warm summer night in the Village.
6-07 Sunday - Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center's 2009 Rock & Run On the River - Pier 84 (West Side Hwy) NYC 9AM Free. I was asked again this year to play for the 4,000+ runners/walkers/volunteers at MSKCC's annual fundraising event for their Cancer Survivorship Foundation. As you know, people who are sick with cancer often have high medical bills, and face other obstacles getting back to their "regular" life once they have beat cancer. The Survivorship Program at MSKCC helps cancer survivors get back on their feet. This annual event is the main source of funding, so I urge you to please donate, even if you cannot attend. http://rockandrun.mskcc.org
6-12 Friday - Buffalo Wild Wings w/ Jules & Gabriella* - Auburn, NY 8PM. I will be joining my favorite young songwriters, Jules & Gabriella, for a benefit concert. If you are in the area, please make a point to dine that night, as 15% of your bill goes to charity!
6-18 Thursday - Pier 17 at South St. Seaport (Sequoia Restaurant) w/ the Bay Ridge All-Stars* - NYC, 6:30PM. Free. Our weekly fanny-wagging Motown fest right on the water for all the nice people.
6-20 Saturday - The Snooty Pig - Corning, NY 9PM, $3. One of my absolute favorite places to play and to visit, please stop by if you're in the Twin Tiers area or the Finger Lakes, I'd love to catch up.
6-23 Tuesday - Merritt Management Showcase, feat. Tina Mathieu*, Zach Hurd, Caleb Hawley, and John Schmitt - The Bitter End, NYC 8PM $5. Our own night at the Bitter End! Fantastic. This is one of the best rooms to play in the city, and the mural with Joni Mitchell is what does it for me everytime. Please come support.
7-2 Thursday - Pier 17 at South St. Seaport (Sequoia Restaurant) w/ the Bay Ridge All-Stars* - NYC, 6:30PM. Free. Our weekly fanny-wagging Motown fest right on the water for all the nice people.
7-4 Saturday - The Back Fence - Bleeker & Thompson Sts. NYC 10PM. $5 Monthly cover gig for all the drunken tourists.
7-5 Sunday - World Cafe Live w/ Chris Ayer - Philadelphia, PA 8PM $10. Chris has asked me to play a set alongside him at my favorite spot in Philadelphia. All you Philly folk, be sure to stop out!
7/9 Thursday - New Hope Winery w/ Tina Mathieu and Chris Ayer - New Hope, PA 7PM. Wine and music: might not get better. Unless Natalie Portman stopped by. Then we'd be all set.
7/11 Saturday - Caverly's Irish Pub w/ The Foggy Dudes* - Rochester, NY 8PM Free. Joined by my good friends Carl Gallagher and Chris Flanigan, we'll be playing Irish music all night at this staple Irish pub in Rochester!
7-12 Sunday - The Taste of Buffalo, Huron Stage - Downtown Buffalo, NY 1PM Free. I was selected to play at the Taste of Buffalo this year, the biggest event of the summer in Western New York! There is about 500,000 people expected to be at the festival this year, I hope you WNYers can all make it out. http://www.tasteofbuffalo.com/
7-16 Thursday - Pier 17 at South St. Seaport (Sequoia Restaurant) w/ the Bay Ridge All-Stars* - NYC, 6:30PM. Free. Our weekly fanny-wagging Motown fest right on the water for all the nice people.
7/17 Friday - The Snooty Pig - Corning, NY 9PM, $3. I'm in town already for the 2009 Finger Lakes Wine Festival in Watkins Glen, NY, so why not spend Friday night playing for all the nice Winos?? Been looking forward to this weekend all year!
7-21 TUESDAY - THE CANAL ROOM, w/ CHRIS AYER (ALBUM RELEASE), ZACH HURD, TINA MATHIEU*, & CALEB HAWLEY - NYC $10. THIS IS A VERY AWESOME OPPORTUNITY, AND IF YOU'RE IN THE NYC AREA AND APPRECIATE GOOD MUSIC, OR IF YOU'RE A FRIEND OF MINE WHO HASN'T BEEN TO A SHOW IN AWHILE, THIS ONE WOULD BE ONE TO MARK DOWN. The Canal Room is THE place to be playing at, and this is a big step up for us all, so we're counting on you to come out. It would really mean the world. http://www.canalroom.com/
7-23 Thursday - NY Songwriters Circle Philadelphia at World Cafe Live - Upstairs at World Cafe, Philadelphia, PA $7. The wonderful Lizanne Knott is hosting this event, which features the best of local Philly artists and some New Yorkers coming in by train (that'd be me!). Hope to see you there.
7-25 Saturday - Bay Ridge All-Stars w/ Brandon Warren & BasementView* - Wicked Willy's NYC 7PM $5. Our monthly homage to Stevie, Michael, Sam & Dave, Marvin, etc.
7-30 Thursday - Pier 17 at South St. Seaport (Sequoia Restaurant) w/ the Bay Ridge All-Stars* - NYC, 6:30PM. Free. Our weekly fanny-wagging Motown fest right on the water for all the nice people.
7-31 Friday - JOHN SCHMITT BIRTHDAY SHOW! W/ Bay Ridge All-Stars, Kate Branagh, and many other special guests! - Wicked Willy's NYC 7PM $5. Please come celebrate another trip round the sun for me with all my dear friends!
8-6 Thursday - Pier 17 at South St. Seaport (Sequoia Restaurant) w/ the Bay Ridge All-Stars* - NYC, 6:30PM. Free. Our weekly fanny-wagging Motown fest right on the water for all the nice people.
8-8 Saturday - Caz Coffee Cafe w/ Kate Branagh* and Jules & Gabriella* - South Buffalo, NY 7PM Free. The last time we played, this show was a smashing success, and we only hope to build off of it further. Hope to see you there!
8-13 Thursday - Pier 17 at South St. Seaport (Sequoia Restaurant) w/ the Bay Ridge All-Stars* - NYC, 6:30PM. Free. Our weekly fanny-wagging Motown fest right on the water for all the nice people.
8-20 Thursday - Pier 17 at South St. Seaport (Sequoia Restaurant) w/ the Bay Ridge All-Stars* - NYC, 6:30PM. Free. Our weekly fanny-wagging Motown fest right on the water for all the nice people.
8-27 Thursday - Pier 17 at South St. Seaport (Sequoia Restaurant) w/ the Bay Ridge All-Stars* - NYC, 6:30PM. Free. Our weekly fanny-wagging Motown fest right on the water for all the nice people.
9-1 Tuesday - Googie's Lounge, upstairs at the Living Room w/ Jules and Gabriella, Tina Mathieu, and Chris Ayer - NYC, 7PM. Free. Three of my favorites, and I get to share a bill with them - very, very cool.
9-3 Thursday - Pier 17 at South St. Seaport (Sequoia Restaurant) w/ the Bay Ridge All-Stars* - NYC, 6:30PM. Free. Our weekly fanny-wagging Motown fest right on the water for all the nice people.
9-10 Thursday - Pier 17 at South St. Seaport (Sequoia Restaurant) w/ the Bay Ridge All-Stars* - NYC, 6:30PM. Free. Our weekly fanny-wagging Motown fest right on the water for all the nice people.
9-12 Saturday - Halfway to St. Patty's Day Party at Pipin's Pub w/ the Foggy Dudes* - Brooklyn, NY 8PM FREE. Come all you Brooklyners to celebrate only 180 days to St. Patty's by dancing and singing with us!
February 10, 2009
The Stone
I am David
and I practicing my sling
And you know this, you showed it...
A similar scene is taking over me
When you step into the room, I bow down
You look around, you look around
You see everything you want is what you've found
And I am at a loss
'Cause I am David
And I am practicing my sling
And you know this, you showed it
'Cause the throwing part is the hardest thing for me
You twist and spin me around
You take the love I give to you and hide it
My beautiful, beautiful Goliath
She said, "Stop, 'cause I don't know what it's like to lose"
"And with the way this going, baby why must you make me choose?"
In that space between fantasy and faith
I come back and stark making my way
To where I step into this battleground with you
'Cause I am David
And I am practicing my sling
And you know this, you showed it
'Cause the throwing part is the hardest thing for me
You twist and spin me around
You take the love I give to you and hide it
My beautiful, oh
And my words hit you like a stone
My words hit you like a stone
My words hit you like a stone
And you fall
You fall
You fall
Oh I
did arrive
ready to fight this time
Oh I
did arrive
ready to fight this time
You fall, as I fall apart
watching you fall apart
You fall, as I fall apart
watching you fall apart
and I practicing my sling
And you know this, you showed it...
A similar scene is taking over me
When you step into the room, I bow down
You look around, you look around
You see everything you want is what you've found
And I am at a loss
'Cause I am David
And I am practicing my sling
And you know this, you showed it
'Cause the throwing part is the hardest thing for me
You twist and spin me around
You take the love I give to you and hide it
My beautiful, beautiful Goliath
She said, "Stop, 'cause I don't know what it's like to lose"
"And with the way this going, baby why must you make me choose?"
In that space between fantasy and faith
I come back and stark making my way
To where I step into this battleground with you
'Cause I am David
And I am practicing my sling
And you know this, you showed it
'Cause the throwing part is the hardest thing for me
You twist and spin me around
You take the love I give to you and hide it
My beautiful, oh
And my words hit you like a stone
My words hit you like a stone
My words hit you like a stone
And you fall
You fall
You fall
Oh I
did arrive
ready to fight this time
Oh I
did arrive
ready to fight this time
You fall, as I fall apart
watching you fall apart
You fall, as I fall apart
watching you fall apart
February 6, 2009
It's February Here
Funny how growing up sheds perspective into things. It was this time about 6 years ago when I wrote a song called "February Here." Lyrically, it's the best thing I've ever written, I think; about being alone in these cold months, with holidays reminding you that you have alone:
Deja Vu and all those catchy phrases
That make the world so clear
I wrote them down, I wrote the times and places
I think that I've been here before
Before you came I saw the world in seasons
Like winter, fall, and spring
So when it snows it's always summer somewhere else
And it's February here
It's February here.
It bubbles up from deep inside of me
And trouble is just getting you to see
That I want / to know what / it feels like / to love you
I want / to see what / it looks like / above you
Falling back into this empty bedroom
I draw the shades down tight
I'm feeling cramped, I think I need more head room
I'll take a walk outside
There's something about watching the snow flakes dancing
and floating in the wind
It helps a lonely man forget he's part of
Another February here
It's always February here
There's so much of me I know I could let go
Pretty soon the only sentence that I'll know
Is 'I want / to know what / it feels like / to love you'
And 'I want / to see what / it looks like / above you'
I don't think that John exists anymore. Time and experience has taught me to not live and die by the holidays, that life need not be cyclical, but instead can have gravitas and excitement at any moment. Months, weeks, days of the week, holidays are all arbitrary dates on a calendar that you did not set up. Best not live by them, either.
So another February here again, been only one since I wrote that song where I wasn't alone. To be honest, I wished I were alone at the time, believe me. I have earned and bought the things I wanted and needed; I see my career advancing at a fever pitch, both at the hospital and with music. And it could be alot worse for someone like me. So not having a woman to share experiences with isn't something to really lament at this point. If anything, it's smart - priorities change when you're in love, and knowing myself, I would be willing to seek less of my dream in order to keep it going.
I know it's been months since I've updated; I will make an effort to be more regular. Hope you're doing well, staying afloat.
My thought of the week, upon hearing about disappointing people from my past:
I've seen your history under your eyes / it's exhausting to say so many goodbyes
Deja Vu and all those catchy phrases
That make the world so clear
I wrote them down, I wrote the times and places
I think that I've been here before
Before you came I saw the world in seasons
Like winter, fall, and spring
So when it snows it's always summer somewhere else
And it's February here
It's February here.
It bubbles up from deep inside of me
And trouble is just getting you to see
That I want / to know what / it feels like / to love you
I want / to see what / it looks like / above you
Falling back into this empty bedroom
I draw the shades down tight
I'm feeling cramped, I think I need more head room
I'll take a walk outside
There's something about watching the snow flakes dancing
and floating in the wind
It helps a lonely man forget he's part of
Another February here
It's always February here
There's so much of me I know I could let go
Pretty soon the only sentence that I'll know
Is 'I want / to know what / it feels like / to love you'
And 'I want / to see what / it looks like / above you'
I don't think that John exists anymore. Time and experience has taught me to not live and die by the holidays, that life need not be cyclical, but instead can have gravitas and excitement at any moment. Months, weeks, days of the week, holidays are all arbitrary dates on a calendar that you did not set up. Best not live by them, either.
So another February here again, been only one since I wrote that song where I wasn't alone. To be honest, I wished I were alone at the time, believe me. I have earned and bought the things I wanted and needed; I see my career advancing at a fever pitch, both at the hospital and with music. And it could be alot worse for someone like me. So not having a woman to share experiences with isn't something to really lament at this point. If anything, it's smart - priorities change when you're in love, and knowing myself, I would be willing to seek less of my dream in order to keep it going.
I know it's been months since I've updated; I will make an effort to be more regular. Hope you're doing well, staying afloat.
My thought of the week, upon hearing about disappointing people from my past:
I've seen your history under your eyes / it's exhausting to say so many goodbyes
November 2, 2008
Temporary One
Where are you darlin', when my
Moon is risin', and your
Sun is shinin' down
What are you doin', are you
Missin' me
The way that I'm missin' you now
The river goes on and on, and the
Sea that divides us is a
Temporary one, and the
Bridge will bring us back together
What are you doin', goin'
Down in to Soho as I
Get my rest tonight
What are you doin', are you
Busy with your world
Well I wish you were busy with mine
The river goes on and on, and the
Sea that divides us is a
Temporary one, and the
Bridge will bring us back together
All things must pass, I guess. I just can't shake the idea of standing in the street telling her "see? I'd get hit by cab if you don't kiss me again!" For the sake of my sanity, knowing how many friends, family, and co-workers either are reading this or might be reading this, I won't delve too far into the gory details.
I just, just, just can't shake it. I get it though. I'm a fool - correction - you're a fool, John. I feel the need to scold myself. And I guess in the grand scheme of things, it won't mean too much. But man, when you smell it, feel it, taste it, hear it, and it blows you away, maybe there is much to be made out of one night.
I retreat though. Back into my music. I even thought about my faith today, about how blessed I was to have my talents and my love of music, despite the Bills and Sabres losing, and all the other stuff. I miss that closeness, the way I could feel God between my shirt and my skin, the way my faith informed my mind, and shed a wisdom on my life and others.
So what happens when the person others seek out for advice has his own saga? That's always my dilemma. I don't have that person to go to with the answers; for most of my friends, for my family, that's me. You sift through the bullshit, and get the person on the right track, and show them that they did this or that badly or not enough.
But man, I havent felt this sort of shook-ness since over a year ago, with Meg. And really, my reaction is to downplay all this, so that people reading it will not think I'm crazy or desperate, but let me be clear:
I am very much fine and okay being alone and single and a musician and songwriter, who has more and more grey hair, doesn't ever sleep in on weekends, keeps a messy bedroom, and chases the highest point of the highest mountain. I am content with seeking a dream at all cost, working hard, and loving my friends as family, and my family that much more. I am secure in my ability to judge character, to make people laugh, and to tell stories.
But I do not define myself by a woman, and I will never do so. I will never get duped again.
This shit stings. And I'll never dupe someone, either.
Goodnight. I feel better.
Moon is risin', and your
Sun is shinin' down
What are you doin', are you
Missin' me
The way that I'm missin' you now
The river goes on and on, and the
Sea that divides us is a
Temporary one, and the
Bridge will bring us back together
What are you doin', goin'
Down in to Soho as I
Get my rest tonight
What are you doin', are you
Busy with your world
Well I wish you were busy with mine
The river goes on and on, and the
Sea that divides us is a
Temporary one, and the
Bridge will bring us back together
All things must pass, I guess. I just can't shake the idea of standing in the street telling her "see? I'd get hit by cab if you don't kiss me again!" For the sake of my sanity, knowing how many friends, family, and co-workers either are reading this or might be reading this, I won't delve too far into the gory details.
I just, just, just can't shake it. I get it though. I'm a fool - correction - you're a fool, John. I feel the need to scold myself. And I guess in the grand scheme of things, it won't mean too much. But man, when you smell it, feel it, taste it, hear it, and it blows you away, maybe there is much to be made out of one night.
I retreat though. Back into my music. I even thought about my faith today, about how blessed I was to have my talents and my love of music, despite the Bills and Sabres losing, and all the other stuff. I miss that closeness, the way I could feel God between my shirt and my skin, the way my faith informed my mind, and shed a wisdom on my life and others.
So what happens when the person others seek out for advice has his own saga? That's always my dilemma. I don't have that person to go to with the answers; for most of my friends, for my family, that's me. You sift through the bullshit, and get the person on the right track, and show them that they did this or that badly or not enough.
But man, I havent felt this sort of shook-ness since over a year ago, with Meg. And really, my reaction is to downplay all this, so that people reading it will not think I'm crazy or desperate, but let me be clear:
I am very much fine and okay being alone and single and a musician and songwriter, who has more and more grey hair, doesn't ever sleep in on weekends, keeps a messy bedroom, and chases the highest point of the highest mountain. I am content with seeking a dream at all cost, working hard, and loving my friends as family, and my family that much more. I am secure in my ability to judge character, to make people laugh, and to tell stories.
But I do not define myself by a woman, and I will never do so. I will never get duped again.
This shit stings. And I'll never dupe someone, either.
Goodnight. I feel better.
October 31, 2008
Creation Story
I want to tell a creation story
Where out of nothing comes everything
Out of me flows life
And positivity
From a cavern, from a soul
That feels empty.
A young man
Asserts in his mind
That he will reach the heights
Unknown by those around him
And he hopes
And prays
For love
So he creates this Person
Out of nothing
Out of intangible things and higher principles
And is all things
For all people
In a selfish attempt
To fill that void.
He looks at the void
And thinks "Is this good?"
Evening comes, and morning came
Everyday.
Cavernous space
Is my Human Race
Is my Creation Story
Where out of nothing comes everything
Out of me flows life
And positivity
From a cavern, from a soul
That feels empty.
A young man
Asserts in his mind
That he will reach the heights
Unknown by those around him
And he hopes
And prays
For love
So he creates this Person
Out of nothing
Out of intangible things and higher principles
And is all things
For all people
In a selfish attempt
To fill that void.
He looks at the void
And thinks "Is this good?"
Evening comes, and morning came
Everyday.
Cavernous space
Is my Human Race
Is my Creation Story
September 15, 2008
2am Tuesday Morning
i'm looking at my body
my laundry
my room
and my shades only let in a sliver of light
you're a fool, john.
a damn fool.
my laundry
my room
and my shades only let in a sliver of light
you're a fool, john.
a damn fool.
July 17, 2008
Old Friends
its the strangest thing
to be rapt or wrapped from afar
and not desire
but hold campaigns of forlorn enchantment
in my inner workings
we're all rooting for you babe.
on a cerebral level, rooting.
i mean, i ain't buying you a gift or something
but the crux of it is this:
when you stop loving
you'd like to think you both are in the same boat.
you'd like to think that everyone's in there
back to the girl who wanted to kiss you at age 12
but you thought kissing was a bit much
and an altogether scary prospect, and you decline
much to her embarassment
and your own-ass-kicking at an older age
you ran into this girl three years later
having garnered new friends
confidence and arrogance
and sense of humor
to see she's not doing so hot
she still has braces
and ultimately, she's struck by seeing you
she's GOT to be single
just like you
the same boat like your friends in the big city
all over
who don't "have time" to bother with dating or anything
and yet you always end up on the same topic
on how you just want someone
to love you
when you get home
you all paddle, paddle, paddle...
there's a comfort in knowing
that in your self-indulgent depressions and down spells
that when you dig down to visit your old pals -
the things that elude you
provide this hollow comfort
due primarily to familiarity
you see, we're all at the same level
we think
we're all shitty, afraid, and truly
fucked up.
we chase things that we may never catch
and discard and ruin what is too close
such is the life on the insatiable artist.
but i digress
i guess i always thought i was on par or further along
that's all
i don't want it back again
i don't dwell on it anymore
and would have never given it a thought
if i hadn't seen the correspondance by chance
congrats on being the new mrs. _________
im rooting for you
well, we all are
because we're still toiling beneath the surface
and we haven't resigned ourselves
to that life yet.
congrats on being the new mrs. ________
i'm rooting for you
because i've seen your inner-workings
and i loved the music it made
now if i could just move the fuck on
i'll fend off my old friends for another 6 months.
to be rapt or wrapped from afar
and not desire
but hold campaigns of forlorn enchantment
in my inner workings
we're all rooting for you babe.
on a cerebral level, rooting.
i mean, i ain't buying you a gift or something
but the crux of it is this:
when you stop loving
you'd like to think you both are in the same boat.
you'd like to think that everyone's in there
back to the girl who wanted to kiss you at age 12
but you thought kissing was a bit much
and an altogether scary prospect, and you decline
much to her embarassment
and your own-ass-kicking at an older age
you ran into this girl three years later
having garnered new friends
confidence and arrogance
and sense of humor
to see she's not doing so hot
she still has braces
and ultimately, she's struck by seeing you
she's GOT to be single
just like you
the same boat like your friends in the big city
all over
who don't "have time" to bother with dating or anything
and yet you always end up on the same topic
on how you just want someone
to love you
when you get home
you all paddle, paddle, paddle...
there's a comfort in knowing
that in your self-indulgent depressions and down spells
that when you dig down to visit your old pals -
the things that elude you
provide this hollow comfort
due primarily to familiarity
you see, we're all at the same level
we think
we're all shitty, afraid, and truly
fucked up.
we chase things that we may never catch
and discard and ruin what is too close
such is the life on the insatiable artist.
but i digress
i guess i always thought i was on par or further along
that's all
i don't want it back again
i don't dwell on it anymore
and would have never given it a thought
if i hadn't seen the correspondance by chance
congrats on being the new mrs. _________
im rooting for you
well, we all are
because we're still toiling beneath the surface
and we haven't resigned ourselves
to that life yet.
congrats on being the new mrs. ________
i'm rooting for you
because i've seen your inner-workings
and i loved the music it made
now if i could just move the fuck on
i'll fend off my old friends for another 6 months.
March 19, 2008
"Ah, back through the glen I rode again and my heart with grief was sore
For I parted then with valiant men whom I never shall see more
But to and fro in my dreams I go and I'd kneel and pray for you,
For slavery fled, O glorious dead, When you fell in the foggy dew." from "The Foggy Dew", traditional Irish rebellion song
_____________________________________
I don't think I've ever been passionate about my liberties and my freedom. I take them for granted, and I expect them. St. Patrick's Day, and now the Iraq War anniversary have really put that into perspective.
Would I ever die for those to come after me, for a cause that isn't tangible? No. Unfortunately, no. Not even close. I'd be the first to recant, to denounce whatever it is, and the very fact that I'm aware of that cowardice is troubling. I don't think I'm necessarily alone, either.
This very notion strikes at the heart of my current crisis of faith. Where does faith become fact in my mind? If there is no place that this occurs, what is the purpose of the faith? If there is indeed a place, where is this place specifically in my mind, because it is hazy or not even there at first thought. To die for freedom, die for my people, die for another or for a cause - it is something that is ungraspable as the cosmos, the notion of God or the afterlife, or the system in which the world works. It would take, as I often say in reference to a friend in the military or other life-threatening profession, a "greater man than I."
A greater man than I. Now that is a bit of a cop-out. It takes a man more braver than I, more self-less than I, and more responsible than I to give me my "taken for granted's". What a way to downplay their commitment. There's is something corrupt in this train of thought, I think. It's not healthy, and it's not safe.
So do I have a place where my faith meets fact, where it becomes certainty? Right now, no. I feel distant from that part of my heart and soul, but I do not feel unwelcome with it. I feel that my life sweeps me up too often, and I leave that part of me to toil on its own now, much like forgetting you left the dog outside.
But really, is there any sense of urgency that tells us we deal with eternity everyday? I think one has to believe in eternity first. I would say I have seen the eternity, in a more tangible form, when men and women clap at the Buffalo Irish Center for those fallen rebels of the 1798 Fenian rising in Ireland when they are mentioned in song. Or just in the very music itself, that me, someone really unknowing of the Irish plight in the last ten centuries, sings a song such as "The Foggy Dew" on St. Patrick's Day, and keeps those ghosts alive for another year. I feel apart of the bards, the troubadors, and the poets who have come before me. Perhaps this is the eternity the men and women knew of, and died for, the eternity that made me shout as I sang "O Glorious dead!" There is this steep admiration and awe that pours from my heart in the closing words of that song. Greater men than I, now great forever in the songs that will never, ever die.
So the fundamental problem I am getting at is that I oft have this assumed and ignored sense of invincibility. That the train really doesn't end. And "The Foggy Dew" has show me that in parts, I am right, and others not. We can live on through those that come after us, in special ways, and if you believe it, in the next life, reunited with the Life Force that I call God. But the train does end, there is finality, there is a stop, because the tangible eternity I so very much seek cannot really come, it is not of this world. It is necessary to no longer be of this world to arrive at this. And moreover, we are to be remembered only if we make this faith-turned-fact. There is no other way.
For I parted then with valiant men whom I never shall see more
But to and fro in my dreams I go and I'd kneel and pray for you,
For slavery fled, O glorious dead, When you fell in the foggy dew." from "The Foggy Dew", traditional Irish rebellion song
_____________________________________
I don't think I've ever been passionate about my liberties and my freedom. I take them for granted, and I expect them. St. Patrick's Day, and now the Iraq War anniversary have really put that into perspective.
Would I ever die for those to come after me, for a cause that isn't tangible? No. Unfortunately, no. Not even close. I'd be the first to recant, to denounce whatever it is, and the very fact that I'm aware of that cowardice is troubling. I don't think I'm necessarily alone, either.
This very notion strikes at the heart of my current crisis of faith. Where does faith become fact in my mind? If there is no place that this occurs, what is the purpose of the faith? If there is indeed a place, where is this place specifically in my mind, because it is hazy or not even there at first thought. To die for freedom, die for my people, die for another or for a cause - it is something that is ungraspable as the cosmos, the notion of God or the afterlife, or the system in which the world works. It would take, as I often say in reference to a friend in the military or other life-threatening profession, a "greater man than I."
A greater man than I. Now that is a bit of a cop-out. It takes a man more braver than I, more self-less than I, and more responsible than I to give me my "taken for granted's". What a way to downplay their commitment. There's is something corrupt in this train of thought, I think. It's not healthy, and it's not safe.
So do I have a place where my faith meets fact, where it becomes certainty? Right now, no. I feel distant from that part of my heart and soul, but I do not feel unwelcome with it. I feel that my life sweeps me up too often, and I leave that part of me to toil on its own now, much like forgetting you left the dog outside.
But really, is there any sense of urgency that tells us we deal with eternity everyday? I think one has to believe in eternity first. I would say I have seen the eternity, in a more tangible form, when men and women clap at the Buffalo Irish Center for those fallen rebels of the 1798 Fenian rising in Ireland when they are mentioned in song. Or just in the very music itself, that me, someone really unknowing of the Irish plight in the last ten centuries, sings a song such as "The Foggy Dew" on St. Patrick's Day, and keeps those ghosts alive for another year. I feel apart of the bards, the troubadors, and the poets who have come before me. Perhaps this is the eternity the men and women knew of, and died for, the eternity that made me shout as I sang "O Glorious dead!" There is this steep admiration and awe that pours from my heart in the closing words of that song. Greater men than I, now great forever in the songs that will never, ever die.
So the fundamental problem I am getting at is that I oft have this assumed and ignored sense of invincibility. That the train really doesn't end. And "The Foggy Dew" has show me that in parts, I am right, and others not. We can live on through those that come after us, in special ways, and if you believe it, in the next life, reunited with the Life Force that I call God. But the train does end, there is finality, there is a stop, because the tangible eternity I so very much seek cannot really come, it is not of this world. It is necessary to no longer be of this world to arrive at this. And moreover, we are to be remembered only if we make this faith-turned-fact. There is no other way.
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