My bouts with anxiety have been legendary lately.
I missed work on account of one bout.
There are sources of it the anxiety, too; faces and events I can point to for why I'm anxious, which I guess is better than having it just generalized.
When I'm anxious, as I am right now, my knee bops up and down at a furious rate. When I notice it, shift, and go back to typing, the other one starts to bop. I cannot bear to keep the nervous energy inside.
More than anything, being anxious is completely exhausting. Utterly exhausting. The kind where I get all the nervous energy out, and the thought of walking home from the train is just insurmountable. Might as well be 100 flights of stairs.
But before all that, is the onset. It typically involves my heart racing, inability to focus, and inability to sit still. My stomach churns and churns and churns, and I can't stop focusing on what is making me anxious. I want to make it right or discuss it with the relevant party immediately.
I've just yawned. There you go. It's 2:29pm and I'm yawning. I just had a soda, too, so you think I'd be caffeinated. My point is I HATE BEING ANXIOUS.
I also don't know how to act accordingly when I'm this way. I feel any sort-of God-given wisdom is out the window, and I'm literally feeling like "hummin-a-hummin-a-hummin-a" when it comes to facing problems.
But really, what am I afraid of? It's all irrational stuff stemming from wanting to be accepted and successful. About maintaining any and all relationships, and taking care of everyone. It drives me completely nuts.
"I throw my fear around". Wise words, Mr. Mayer.
I originally read this on Wednesday after three days of my own battles with anxiety - obsessive thoughts crowding out the reason and logic in my brain. The same physical symptoms - the gnarling grip on my stomach, the twitchy legs that tap incessantly, the swooshy, shaky, buzzing feeling of my whole body, and for me - a restless insomnia, which gives me oh so much MORE time to keep thinking those thoughts! I think anxiety is just our mind's way of tapping us on the metaphoric shoulder. "Hey! HEY!" (My anxiety is a really big guy with a deep bass voice), "Something's up. Do something about it!" he shrieks at me.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is that you can't logically solve an emotional problem. Anxiety stems from irrational fears and insecurities - fear of failure, fear of rejection, for me, also, fear that I haven't lived up to my own expectations, which are always impossibly high. I try to get rid of the physical symptoms by running, but I can't outrun my own mind, so even the few minutes of relief I might feel are subverted by my thoughts turning back again. Yeah, it would be sweet relief to talk to the relevant parties and clear the air, as you say, but I can't, and THAT'S WHY I AM ANXIOUS!!
The worst is that I have anxiety over situations that can never be resolved. Chapters are closed, people gone, and I can't go back in time and rectify the things I've said or done. Or not said or done. These ghosts fly around in my head way too often. I'm trying to do better to accept what is, knowing that I do live my life trying to be the best person I can be every day, that whatever I've done to cause so much distress has not been intentional, and to forgive myself for being human.