Welcome Home

As I walked down the jet bridge, 

into the New York summer sun, 

there was a clear sense over me 

that it was time to get to work. 

Outside Albany

The clouds hang in suspension

As we the train riders

Rotate around it

And it floats untouched by man

White on white

Grey shadows

Cottony 

While the green 

Blurs in horizontal lines

The clearings come and go

Showing farmland

Rivers

Rundown factories

Outside Albany

The flowers are blooming

Violets and tiger lilys 

The goslings grow more daring by the day

As the remnants of spring hang on for dear life

The trees are prostrated east

As the tropical storm 3,000 miles away

Whips the forceable wind 

Along the Hudson. 

I always needed luck

To prodigiously descend

And set me free

From the surly bonds of debt

The cripple of routine

Of listlessness

I cried out in frustration

That I could do no more, it would seem

To change this spiral of water-treading

This whole rationale:

That my efforts are exhausted

That there just isn't any room on my shelves

Is so profoundly off-base

So laughable

"If only I had money, my Little Bird"

- Malaika -

"I would marry you"

Well, you climb a few mountains

Order food in a different language

And pray and pray

And pray and pray

And pray and pray

Until suddenly you know

That somewhere

Outside Albany

The suspended clouds

The clearings, the tiger lilys

And the beating heart inside me

Can handle everything 

And anything

You've got in store for me. 

 

For Sis

Happy birthday, Elicia
My ever-battle-ready sister
We're the same age now for 2 months
But we know who was born first

Reason, Faith, and Revolution

"Christian faith, as I understand it, is not primarily a matter of signing on for the proposition that there exists a Supreme Being, but the kind of commitment made manifest by a human being at the end of his tether, foundering in darkness, pain, and bewilderment, who nonetheless remains faithful to the promise of a transformative love."

T. Eagleton

My Goals, with a giant dash of hope

Hope and pray that these all get done in the next 730 days. Time to get a move on. 

My heart is immeasurably heavy

My spirit all but crushed

Things need not be so drastic

So perversely distorted

So lacking of adulthood

I cannot unite that which is against

Itself reuniting. 

I cannot walk through land mines 

Or fear people I love

Or their reactions. 

It is shameful how silly this all can be

How truly solveable it really is

And how we all seem to get off

On the creation and perpetuation

Of estrangement. 

Leaning

What a joy to walk in this Pilgrim Way

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

Oh how bright the path grows from day to day

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

Leaning, leaning

Safe and secure from all alarms

I'm leaning, leaning

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

La Faba

Although I may have carried my pack from beginning to end
and waited for every Pilgrim in need of encouragement,
or given my bed to one who arrived later than I,
given my bottle of water in exchange for nothing:
if upon returning to my home and work,
I am not able to create brotherhood
or to make happiness, peace and unity,
I have arrived nowhere.

Although I may have had food and water each day,
and enjoyed a roof and a shower every night:
or may have had my injuries well attended,
if I have not discovered in all that the love of God,
I have arrived nowhere.

Although I may have seen all the monuments
and contemplated the best sunsets;
although I may have learned a greeting in every language
or tried the clean water from every fountain;
if I have not discovered who is the author
of so much free beauty and so much peace,
I have arrived nowhere.

If from today I do not continue walking on your path,
searching for and living according to what I have learned;
if from today I do not see in every person, friend or foe
a companion on the Camino;
if from today I cannot recognize God,
the God of Jesus of Nazareth
as the one God of my life,
I have arrived nowhere.

The Good Fight

"There I thought about the relentless effort Petrus had made to help me understand that contrary to what we had always been taught, results WERE what counted. One's efforts are salutary and indispensable, but without results, they amount to nothing." P. Coelho

A Prayer on High

My Creator, all things are one in You.
In my most human moments,
I am helpless against Gluttony, Lust, and Pride.
I am a contradictory Creature,
Who struggles to realize his own potential.
I am not tireless in the Good Fight,
Nor am I completely immobilized.
Fear, in its most real form,
Still has its hold of me
And can paralyze me.
There are Familiar Holes,
Familiar Chambers of the depths,
That I jump into
On this Frozen Landscape of Eternity:
Those of self-pity, self-hatred, and longing.

I Pity myself for being "behind" those around me,
For being less successful,
For not having the Gifts that others have.
I pity myself for not having incredible closeness with my father,
And for spending the bulk of my life
Chasing supposed Pipe Dreams.

The Self-Hatred is one where I look down at my body,
See very little to no progress,
And in turn reject myself.
I feel shallow, unworthy, and unintelligent here.
I feel hatred toward all the squandered time and energy
Spent on websites, playing games, or doing nothing.
I feel especially angry
At the Person I Once Was,
Because reliving memories
Or looking back
Only makes me cringe.

The Longing Hole
Is one I crawl in
To mask the first Two,
And is often a gateway
To the Other Two.
It is the one with the least to do with Me,
And it is the one where I harm my psyche
The Most.
I am most comfortable here,
O Creator,
Because I can blame someone else,
Or You.
I long to be loved,
To feel closeness,
To be my More Perfect Self,
To write that Transcendent piece of Art,
To help Others.
Yet so much of that is not up to me,
And There Is So Much Comfort In The Blame Game.
As justification for not having what I want
Or not being what I should,
I Either feel sorry for myself
Or deeply hate myself.
O Creator, I do not like these methods,
But it has been all I know.

When I wear my Scallop Shell around my neck,
I feel protected.
It has become a symbol of Immense Power.
It has, more importantly,
Become a Symbol of Immense Mercy.
It provides me the Opportunity to gain perspective
I will take it to be blessed.

My Creator,
I want to be better
I can be better.
I want to live empowered
I want to help others
I want a Family,
A Child,
And to experience real and everlasting Love.
I want all these things,
And in Your Time.
I now stand at a Cliff of a vast Sea
I Once Comfortably called Home:
A Sea of Faith,
Of Destiny,
A Sea of Right and Wrong.
I spent 7 years climbing out
Because I thought I knew a better way.
Now there is only One Way -
Your Way.
I submit
To the Purification of my Mind, Body, and Spirit,
I will need reminders
And to learn Hard Lessons
But here I go,
Into the Water.

Thank You For Everything.