Every time I leave
There's an unending loop
Of
"I am leaving, I am leaving
But the fighter still remains"
Melancholy
Accomplished
Realizing that, bruised,
I head Home
Head held high.

Constantly Constant

I feel weird
And Buffalo is no longer
A place of solidarity
I miss you
Each one of you
And especially You

I tiptoe around
Opportunities to grow up
And maybe I should call more often
But it might be a signal fire
I selectively choose
To take interest, or fight

This is the most uncertain time of my life
And I need to know that you're Constant
That you're constantly Constant

My band of friends travel with me
And I stand after the show
Soaked
And hoarse
And take compliments from strangers
And good friends
And I begin to eye the room
And right there -
STOP THE TAPE -
Right there
My insides crumble
My lungs deflate
Because I can't shake it
or You.

I would discard this bit of me
If I hadn't come to love it so much
Am I selfish for that?
Is it too cheesy to admit
That I would sing for only one person
If you let me?

Crippling debt
Oppressive heat
Unwavering anxiety
And the belief that I'm much better off now
Are my Constantly Constants.

Goodnight, and I am thankful
But, oh, if you knew the depths
The deep depths that still feel warm
If you truly knew the depths
Of what I am capable of
And what I seek in my life
And how I cherish it
You would know how loaded,
How piled on, taped,
Stapled, glued
Jam-packed
Crumbled
How concentrated
My words are
When I say
So simply
And as best I can
That
I
Miss
You.

Archeology

I'm digging
Deep

D

e

e

p

through the sediment

the cool bedrock

to the root cause

the uncaused cause

of

W

H

Y.

Mantra

Simplify
And immerse in Family
The Camino awaits!

True Love Defined

when you're on the outside baby
and you can't get in
i will show you
you're so much better than you know

-Sade, "By Your Side"

I am a Distance Runner

I'm a distance runner
And a normal person
Now and henceforth
Forever.
I head home in a week
And not a moment too soon.
I leave for Spain in March
And I will spend 3 months
truly simplifying my life
Drink-free
Full of movement and yoga
Beautiful meals of nutritious food
And most importantly
My beautiful, diverse,
Overwhelmingly loving
Family
Every person
Facets of a gem
Contributing to the shimmer
That I am so proud to wear.
I can say without equivocation
That I have done enough spring cleaning
Summer cleaning
Fall cleaning
And Winter cleaning
Of my life
Mentally and socially
That I can say I find it all manageable
And something I can finally maintain
I have learned so many hard lessons
But my running has shown me the most relevant:
You needn't sprint, but keep a steady pace
And pretty soon you start seeing the finish.
Back to basics
The midfoot
The moderation of my feet physiology
Moderation in all things including my running
Presently running
Responding to parts of my body asking for recognition
Feeling the threshold for pain increase
I am a distance runner
Planning long-term
Steadily reaching goals
With the minimum of possessions
But maximum focus and spirit.
I am a distance runner
And normal person
Now and henceforth
Forever.

The Lichen

A life lead with no sense of spirit
No perceived responsibility or sense of duty
Gratification at every turn, pleasing only me.
Yet knowing every answer to the Real Questions
I am my hypocrite, I am my doing as I say, not as I do.
I am equally vain and ashamed
I am confounding contradiction
After confounding contradiction
Artfully brazen, eager to leap
Socially introspective, risk averse
I am a fat man and an athlete
I am of this world and still spiritual
I am longing for love yet feel unloveable
I am a good man, and a conniving man
Depending on who you ask
I am oft taken advantage of
Yet equally a user of others for my gain
I am selectively moral,
Equally accountable to myself
And dismissive of my transgression
I should teach no one anything
Yet want to share wisdom
I am partly ever present
And never fully wandered
I am 6 hours of sleep
Deprived yet refreshed
Functional
I am not 8 hours
Nor am I 4 hours
I am broke, with no assets
Yet I own the highest quality goods
I could ever want
I am punctual
Except when I am not
I'm the one who doesn't vote
Yet rails against both candidates
I am a stickler for not accepting charity
Yet I seek it when I need something
I am talented and also very average
Deeply troubled
Yet mentally stable
I am my Mother
And most definitely my Father
Without the separation of the two
I am fortunate and guided by Grace
Yet always learn the hard way
I am every 5 out of 10 person you'd ever meet
Who feels there's an ocean of depth that makes me a 9
A life of karmic understanding
And gross abuse
I am 18
And 42
All at once
I am 2012
And 1983
Nature and nurture
In a perfectly flawed
Symbiosis.

Operation Reclamation Realization

I look back at months ago
And it's this awkward hypnosis
Set in motion from spatially sitting
In the same place as before
(Some attempts at reclamation are futile)
I get sucked inward
To that alternative universe
Of what might have been
Or occurred
And the prospect of what happened
And how it happened
And what it would have taken.
An intangible dizziness
A cross of unrealistic yearning
And realistic thankfulness
That it never really was supposed to work out.
It's like a real-life time/space portal
The rain falls
Outside the Cafe
While I plod away with pen and paper
Pumping in music through my earphones
Feeling desperate
That everything was at stake.
Hopped on caffeine
Muscles ache from the constant exertion
This isn't my favorite cafe
But it is it's most genuine self
And for that I glance past
The shitty drinks
The worst
And the lack of outlets to keep my devices full of juice
Normal people come here
Make phone calls here
Do homework here
And to them
I am writing some kind of notes for class
Or writing a grocery list
And what a list it is!
My soul gets borne
In these cafes on Third Avenue
My own soap opera
-if only it were that truly interesting!-
Playing out in my mind
And today it's a clip show
Montages of the mayhem
That ensued
I feel I'm at the end of the pilot season
And our protagonist has made
Drastic Changes
And many, many more to come.
Thank God for friends that give me things
Books, etc.
because I learned the inefficiency
Of residing in the portal
And I instead snap myself out of it
Feel the rosiness of my cheeks
The softness of my fleece
The sizzle of over-steeped tea
From a different barista than before.
Maybe we aren't meant to reclaim all the locations
Maybe they were never ours to begin with.

I wonder if the sum total
Of what I've done to others
Is to blame
For all the rapid change?
How an outward morph
Spirals inward
Into intangible?
My mind is but a product
Of my outward self
At 317: entirely self-serving
Over-compensating
Lazy
At 235:
Now concerned
In paying in karma.
Moreover
I struggle with a
Not-so-unnatural
Case of Vanity
BUT YOU ARE NOT DONE, sir.

I refuse to get sick.
No amount of hot/cold
Cold/hot transition
Will shake my resolve.
No season change
No breathing, hacking
8-year-old,
No readings of posts
About sore throats
Callings out of work
Or warm forehead sensations
Will wear down
My defenses.
I refuse to get sick
And when I move
And move all day,
It's not possible.