March 2, 2010


Welcome to my blog! This is the latest in a series of "Album Preview" posts I'm doing to raise awareness (and hopefully excitement) for my upcoming album. I need your help! Please visit to donate to help make the album happen. Thank you, and enjoy the post!


"Ave Regina"

This is my most recent song, written about two weeks ago. It is an intensely personal song, so there are some bits of it that I cannot discuss. (The names have been changed to protect the innocent)

This preview will be a bit different in that I will discuss some of the main themes of the song, and then provide a bit of the back story, so you can see how it all fits.

1 - Death Imagery: ever since I was a little kid, I've had moments where I am suddenly struck with the notion of my own mortality. That what I've come to see as a constant (my life) is actually always fading really hits me every so often, usually at night. I have a panic attack, and once I calm down I try to accept the fact that life is indeed a blazing one-way street. So get while the getting is good. Or don't. Either way, we know where we're headed.

So, I was very much scared of death and of others around me dying; of the unreached potential and the fear that is associated with that. I never like talking about death or what I want to happen or even about other people's death. It's always been an incredibly nerve-wracking and unpleasant experience (which is probably not that drastically different from others, I know).

To that end, I think if I am able to sing about death, or sing about the images around death, it might finally show some maturity about the subject. After all, fear is a form of immaturity, a way of stifling any pursuit of knowledge about a something. Fear cripples us, and leaves us incapable of learning about the thing being feared. So to write using death imagery, to me, would represent a shedding of that fear. It would be a step forward to being comfortable in my own skin, and in my own life.

"Ave Regina" uses death imagery several times. I talk about dirges, requiems, about dying for "the first time". I'll get into more of these later on. And there's a reason for all the death imagery, which I will also get into. But I haven't had any late night freak-outs about my own mortality lately, and I really believe this is why.

2- The phrase "Ave Regina": In Latin, this means "Hail to the Queen". The more famous "ave" is "Ave Maria", which in Catholicism refers to Jesus' mother, Mary. There are several hymns and prayers that we Catholics sing to honor Mary, who is regarded as the most sacred mortal being ever. Catholics believe Mary was a special person, no doubt, but that she was not divine herself. She is an advocate to God, and was chosen above all others, but she is not God herself. Because of this special designation, she was born without Original Sin, and gave birth to Jesus. Every year, Catholics honor her in May and in October by doing special services and praying things like the rosary.

"Ave Regina" is more a play on words, done carefully of course. As I've mentioned before, when I am truly romantically interested in someone, they take on a regal sort of stature with me; I will blindly follow, do, and say what I think they prefer (sometimes to a fault). I want to praise and constantly reaffirm my affection to them, and try to take care of them. Subtly, of course.

3-The End of Formative Years: I have always said that developmentally, I am about 2 years behind schedule that other people my age. I always seem to lag behind in that respect, and the company I keep, all younger than me for the most part, seems to suggest this as well. For the past 10 years or so, I have been fully in my formative years, transitioning to manhood. Others around me have married, have children, and are well on their way with their music careers, and I am just starting to seek out those things that symbolize the next phase. It is now a time when you discover what is important to you, your life's passions, and the time you become an adult. Or in my case, a man. When your parents don't seem so off-base anymore, and you don't incessantly fight with your sisters. And you actually have fun seeing them. You appreciate things that don't always taste sweet, like coffee and tea, and you enjoy the way it feels to relax, do nothing, and rest. Women become more than just pretty faces, and who they are, what they stand for, and how they live are equally as important. You learn life skills and a certain quorum for how to treat people.

So "Ave Regina" deals with me bidding farewell to my formative years. To laying it rest, and remembering it for what it was. But it is no more.


The Back Story

I had contemplated moving home to settle down, to move home to be with someone, and that is the real back story behind the song. I was captivated not only by her, but by what it could be like to not sleep alone anymore. I would most likely have to severely reduce my music aspirations, and part of me was okay with that. I would return to the land I left, and do so triumphantly, and spend the rest of my days living there. I could go home and it would be perfect.

Right? Upon dwelling on it, I know now that I could never move home. I cannot divide my feelings up as neatly as another person, and my work with music is who I am. It is a defining characteristic, in the way a beating heart or lungs are, and it cannot be separated. To give up on my music, in any way, would be giving up on myself, something I am incapable of doing. Moreover, I would find a way to destruct the great thing I might have with her, so I could blame it for me quitting on my music. It would be awful.

So the pipe dreams of moving home to Western New York for the conventional life are over. It will not happen. My hope is someday I can return home to live, but life has not dictated that to me yet.

Here are the lyrics to "Ave Regina":

My thoughts are so heavy
My intentions so pure
That I can't even stand
When she enters the door
It's like the Queen is in session
And all I can do
Is sing 'Ave Regina,
Ave to you.'

She can give life so freely
To be honest and brave
That they'll be counting for decades
All the lives that she saved
I will forego the distance
And the walls in between
My sights are now setting
On courting the Queen

So I die for the very first time
Sing dirges and requiem masses
For an age, a place, a time, and a boy
Who watches his pipe dreams pass away.

I had dreams I would move here
And take it by storm
And return all victorious to the land I was born
And when I'm dearly departed
From the land that I started
The Queen and her subjects would mourn

But I die for the very first time
Sing dirges and requiem masses
For an age, a place, a time, and a boy
Who watches his pipe dreams pass away.

So I will stand here and wait
For the one who is always late
I gave up so soon
Just to stay in this room
Singing 'Ave Regina,
Ave to you.'

I gave up so soon
Just to stay in this room
Singing 'Ave Regina,
Ave to you.'

So farewell to childhood and adolescence. Here is my dirge for those great 10+years. When I wrote this, I knew it was the last piece needed for the upcoming album. It's going to be the last song.

Thank you for reading! PLEASE visit and consider giving to make the album possible. Everyday, people's generosity amazes me! Please email me at if you have any questions!


No comments:

Post a Comment