It's February Here

Funny how growing up sheds perspective into things. It was this time about 6 years ago when I wrote a song called "February Here." Lyrically, it's the best thing I've ever written, I think; about being alone in these cold months, with holidays reminding you that you have alone:

Deja Vu and all those catchy phrases
That make the world so clear
I wrote them down, I wrote the times and places
I think that I've been here before

Before you came I saw the world in seasons
Like winter, fall, and spring
So when it snows it's always summer somewhere else
And it's February here
It's February here.

It bubbles up from deep inside of me
And trouble is just getting you to see
That I want / to know what / it feels like / to love you
I want / to see what / it looks like / above you

Falling back into this empty bedroom
I draw the shades down tight
I'm feeling cramped, I think I need more head room
I'll take a walk outside

There's something about watching the snow flakes dancing
and floating in the wind
It helps a lonely man forget he's part of
Another February here
It's always February here

There's so much of me I know I could let go
Pretty soon the only sentence that I'll know
Is 'I want / to know what / it feels like / to love you'
And 'I want / to see what / it looks like / above you'


I don't think that John exists anymore. Time and experience has taught me to not live and die by the holidays, that life need not be cyclical, but instead can have gravitas and excitement at any moment. Months, weeks, days of the week, holidays are all arbitrary dates on a calendar that you did not set up. Best not live by them, either.

So another February here again, been only one since I wrote that song where I wasn't alone. To be honest, I wished I were alone at the time, believe me. I have earned and bought the things I wanted and needed; I see my career advancing at a fever pitch, both at the hospital and with music. And it could be alot worse for someone like me. So not having a woman to share experiences with isn't something to really lament at this point. If anything, it's smart - priorities change when you're in love, and knowing myself, I would be willing to seek less of my dream in order to keep it going.

I know it's been months since I've updated; I will make an effort to be more regular. Hope you're doing well, staying afloat.

My thought of the week, upon hearing about disappointing people from my past:

I've seen your history under your eyes / it's exhausting to say so many goodbyes